Living a Life Instead of Winning a Battle

## Goals as meaning — and goals as a trap Much of what we do in life, we do to achieve something. We want to finish a degree, get a job, be "done" with a project, perform well in training, reach a certain standard, earn more, receive recognition, or feel that we have finally "succeeded." On the surface this can seem both healthy and necessary. Goals create direction. Goals can provide structure, motivation and a sense of progress. At the same time, I repeatedly see how a strongly goal-oriented existence can make life narrower. What was meant to give meaning can instead become a struggle that never ends. Not because goals are wrong, but because we may come to treat our whole life as a project that must be won. In the therapy room — and in my own life — a particular pattern often appears: the person works purposefully over time, reaches the goal, feels a brief satisfaction, and then… a kind of anticlimax. An emptiness. A restlessness. A new "must" takes over. It's as if the goal were a horizon that moved the moment we arrived. This points to a fundamental psychological question: What actually gives meaning in a life? Is it reaching goals — or living well while we are on the way? ## Two types of activities: telic and atelic The philosopher Aristotle distinguishes between two types of activities, and this distinction can be surprisingly useful for understanding why many become tired, dissatisfied or empty in a life dominated by achievement. **Telic activities** are activities that have a specific endpoint. You do them to arrive at something. It can be finishing an exam, losing five kilos, running a marathon, writing a book, getting a promotion or saving a certain amount. Telic activities have a clear "finished" line. **Atelic activities** are activities that do not require a necessary endpoint, and that are meaningful in themselves. You don't do them primarily to get a result, but because the activity itself feels valuable. It can be taking a walk, listening to music, talking with someone you like, playing with children, cooking without time pressure, playing an instrument, reading out of curiosity, or simply being present in something that feels alive. The important point here is not that telic activities are "bad" and atelic activities are "good." We need both. The point is that a life almost exclusively carried by telic activities can become psychologically risky. ## The dissatisfaction paradox: unhappy regardless of outcome What I call the **dissatisfaction paradox** is about how telic activities invite dissatisfaction in two ways: 1. **If you don't succeed**, disappointment, falling short, self-criticism and dissatisfaction are close at hand. When identity is tied to performance, failure becomes more than a failure — it becomes a sign that "I'm not good enough." 2. **If you succeed**, the joy is often short-lived. You may feel pride and relief, but it rarely lasts as long as you imagined. Then everyday life returns. New demands. New goals. And often a question that can cut deep: *Was this it?* I recognise this pattern from my own experience. Completing a degree, getting a job, finishing a book — it can be satisfying, but surprisingly often also somewhat empty afterward. I've written several books, and several times I experienced that the joy of submitting the finished manuscript was disappointingly short-lived. Anticlimax. A strange silence. And then: *What now?* This does not mean that achievement is meaningless. But it may mean that we overestimate how much lasting meaning goal attainment actually provides. ## Why goals can become all-consuming There are good reasons many cling to goals: - **Goals create identity.** "I'm someone who gets things done." - **Goals create control.** In an unpredictable world it can feel safer to have something concrete to strive for. - **Goals provide social currency.** Achievements can bring recognition, status and a sense of belonging. - **Goals soothe inner unrest.** Some find that working toward something reduces emptiness, shame or inner chaos. But the price can be high if goals become the only source of meaning. Then life becomes a series of tests where self-worth is at stake again and again. ## Perfectionism and the narrow life Perfectionism is often misunderstood as "having high standards." In practice it often stems more from an underlying fear: *If I don't do it perfectly, I'm worth nothing (or I'll lose love, respect or belonging).* Perfectionism can produce impressive results, but it also changes life: - It makes activities instrumental: Everything becomes a means to an end. - It makes mistakes dangerous: Errors become proof of inadequacy. - It makes rest suspicious: Rest feels like laziness or weakness. - It makes joy conditional: You're "allowed" to be satisfied only after you deliver. Over time this can lead to **emotional exhaustion** and a sense of living without joy, even though on paper you perform. ## The pressure of expectations — especially in families One place telic activities often gain extra force is in the face of expectations. Many carry an inner pressure from upbringing: a message that the most important thing is to be good, do things right, achieve something, and not disappoint. Some parents communicate this directly: "You must get top grades," "You must become someone." Others convey it more indirectly through praise that is primarily given for achievement, or through worry and criticism when the child is "average." Then the child learns something subtle: *I am most valuable when I perform.* This can produce capable and conscientious people. But it can also create adults who are "too good" at meeting standards — and too poor at noticing what actually brings them joy, peace and meaning. ## External standards vs. inner motivation An important reflection is: **Whose goals am I living by?** Goals and standards are shaped by our surroundings. We are influenced by culture, family, school, work life and social media. Gradually we can internalise ideas about what a successful life looks like. The problem arises when that internalisation happens without examining whether the goals fit our temperament, values and life situation. Then we can end up living in a way where we perform a lot but experience little joy. We become efficient but empty. We live according to an agenda and lose contact with ourselves. Inner (intrinsic) motivation is often characterised by activities that: - feel meaningful in themselves - awaken curiosity - give a sense of aliveness and presence - do not require you to "prove" anything When the opposite dominates — external motivation — activities feel like duty, pressure and evaluation. ## The atelic as an inexhaustible resource Atelic activities may seem small and everyday, but they can be cornerstones for mental health. They are often less spectacular than goals, but more stable as a source of wellbeing. Think of the difference between: - running to beat a time (telic) - running because it feels good to move and breathe (atelic) Or: - cooking to impress (telic) - cooking because you enjoy the process and the taste (atelic) Atelic activities are not about "winning." They are about living. ## Balance: too many goals cause stress, too few goals cause apathy It is easy to misunderstand this as an invitation to stop setting goals. That is not the point. A life without telic activities can become diffuse. Some may experience apathy, passivity, or a feeling of standing still. Goals can provide direction, progress and mastery. At the same time: a life where everything is telic quickly becomes a life where everything is at stake. Then you are never finished, never good enough, never at peace. So it's about **balance**: - Telic activities provide direction. - Atelic activities provide nourishment. If you only have direction, but no nourishment, you will run dry. ## A small experiment: find your "no-agenda" activities Many have lost touch with what they enjoy without it needing to lead anywhere. It can be useful to examine your life with a simple question: **What do I do that feels good in itself — without having to result in achievement, improvement or recognition?** For some the answer comes easily. For others the question evokes unease or emptiness. That in itself is an important signal. It can mean life has long been in "fight mode." Some typical barriers: - "It feels meaningless to do something just for pleasure." - "I feel guilty if I'm not producing." - "I don't know what I like anymore." These are not character flaws. They are often learned. And they can be unlearned. ## Changing life from combat to living Living a life instead of winning a battle often involves small but principled adjustments: ### 1) Notice where your self-worth lies If you only feel valuable when you perform, telic activities will steer you with an iron hand. Then it's important to work on self-criticism and conditional self-worth: Where does this come from? Whose voice is it? ### 2) Build atelic pockets into everyday life These don't need to be large projects. It can be 15 minutes a day. The point is not the time spent, but the quality: something that doesn't have to lead to anything. ### 3) Practice tolerating "non-optimality" Perfectionism thrives where everything must be right. Atelic activities are often a bit messy, a bit imperfect, a bit free. Tolerating that can be a training ground in itself. ### 4) Revise your goals Some goals are truly yours. Others are copied from expectations. A mature goal orientation is not about quitting goals, but choosing them with greater psychological integrity. ## Closing reflection A meaningful life is rarely a life without ambitions. But it is also not a life where everything is reduced to a series of battles that must be won. If you recognise yourself in the dissatisfaction paradox — disappointment when you fail, and brief joy when you succeed — it may be a sign your life needs more atelic nourishment. Not as an escape from responsibility, but as a fundamental correction: a way to come home to what actually feels alive. Goals can give you a map. Atelic activities give you the landscape. And it is in the landscape that life is lived. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød talks about more in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).