Behind the Scenes of Our Own Psyche

## An honest look at how irrational we really are We like to see ourselves as thoughtful and self-directed: that we weigh information, consider pros and cons, and then make a decision that reflects our values. But if you look more closely, it becomes clear that much of life happens "behind the scenes." We are influenced by unconscious processes, situations, relationships, bodily states and cultural narratives – often without noticing. New York Times columnist David Brooks paints such a picture in the book *The Social Animal*. He uses the story of an American couple, Harold and Erica, to show how success, belonging, character and love are shaped by far more than willpower and conscious choices. His point isn't that we are powerless, but that we misunderstand ourselves if we overestimate rationality, individualism and "control." Psychologically, this is an important corrective. Many of the difficulties I see in clinic – stress, anxiety, depression, relationship problems, shame and self-criticism – are reinforced by a misconception: that thoughts and feelings are always reliable signals about reality, and that we "should" be able to directly control them. When we instead begin to see the mind as a complex system of automatic processes, it becomes easier to meet ourselves with curiosity rather than judgment. ## The unconscious: not just dark impulses, but a creative engine Many associate the "unconscious" with something scary: repressed feelings, impulses, conflict and chaos. Brooks' depiction is broader – and in my view more psychologically fruitful. The unconscious inner life is not just a basement full of junk; it is also the workshop where most of the brain's work happens. In modern psychology we can understand this in light of research on automatic processes: fast evaluations, intuitive decisions, pattern recognition and emotional "tagging" of experiences. We often interpret and react before we have time to form a thought. That means our consciousness largely becomes a storytelling voice that explains what has already been set in motion. Brooks ties this to character and life choices: habits, impulse control, attachment history, social learning and emotion regulation develop over time – and much of this happens without our active 'choosing.' This is not an excuse, but an explanation that makes it easier to work constructively on change. You rarely change your life by scolding yourself. You change it by understanding which processes actually drive you. ## Neuroses and mental filters: why our experience becomes skewed A natural place to start is the phenomenon of neuroses – not as a label, but as an image of how anxiety, worry, self-criticism, the need for control or emotional reactivity can color an entire world of experience. Many people 'know' they overreact, yet cannot stop. This is precisely where the unconscious becomes relevant. We all carry mental filters. Some are useful: they make us quick and efficient. Others become problematic: they make us rigid, hyper-interpreting and vulnerable. In cognitive psychology people talk about biases and automatic thoughts – patterns that shape what we notice, what we remember, and how we interpret events. Neurotic patterns can be understood as a system trying to protect us, but that ends up locking us in. Anxiety can be an attempt to predict danger. Depressive rumination can be an attempt to make sense of pain. Control can be an attempt to create safety. The problem is that the strategy often becomes worse than the threat. And when we assume that a feeling is proof of reality ('I feel unsafe, therefore I am unsafe'), the spiral is reinforced. ## Critique of excessive individualism and rationalism One of Brooks' central points is that humans are deeply social. The mind is not isolated in a vacuum; it is shaped by relationships, culture, norms, language, expectations and belonging. He criticizes a modern tendency to glorify the idea of the autonomous individual who thinks their way through life – as if we can design ourselves by sheer planning. This resonates psychologically. Much of what we call 'personality', 'motivation' and 'coping' is closely tied to social context: what is rewarded, what is shamed, who watches you, and who you mirror yourself against. Our self-image is largely a relational project: it forms in encounters with others. When culture over-focuses on rationality and individualism, it can produce two unfortunate consequences: 1. **We underestimate the power of the environment.** We believe everything is about willpower and overlook situational factors. 2. **We moralize mental suffering.** If you 'should' be able to think yourself well, anxiety and depression become personal failures. A more social and holistic perspective opens the door to humility: maybe it's not just 'me' that's the problem. Maybe the systems around me, my relationships, loads, habits and bodily state are co-creators of what I feel. ## Attraction and love: the choices we think we make We like to romanticize love as a free and conscious choice. At the same time, research – as Brooks highlights – shows that attraction and relationships are often shaped by factors like similarity, ethnicity, environment and social patterns. Added to that are physical cues we unconsciously link to health, fertility, safety or status. The point is not to reduce love to biology or sociology, but to acknowledge that our preferences do not arise in a vacuum. Often we are attracted to what feels familiar or what fits in our environment. We find partners near where we live, study or work. We are influenced by cultural ideals. We are influenced by who our friends date and what is considered 'attractive' in the group. This can be an uncomfortable insight: how much control do we really have? In therapy this can be helpful because it reduces self-blame. Some people are ashamed of who they are attracted to or of patterns in their relationships. A more realistic picture might be: 'I have some unconscious preferences and relational scripts. They have a history. They can be understood. And they can partially change.' ## Context beats character: small factors that change big choices Some of the most thought-provoking research on human decision-making shows how sensitive we are to context. Brooks cites studies that show judges' rulings can be affected by blood sugar levels – a finding that illustrates how even highly competent people may become harsher or more lenient depending on bodily state. It's worth pausing over this. We like to believe a judge's decision is a pure expression of law and reason. But humans are biological beings before they are argumentative beings. Energy levels, stress hormones, sleep and hunger affect irritability, impulse control and nuance. And it doesn't stop there. Surroundings like weather, noise level, music, light, temperature and social atmosphere can change us more than we like to admit. This doesn't mean we are puppets. But it does mean that 'I' is not just an inner project – I am also an ecological phenomenon: a person in a context. A practical consequence is simple but powerful: if you want to understand yourself, don't just ask 'what am I thinking?', but also 'what is happening around me – and in my body – right now?' ## Reality construction: we don't experience the world directly One of the most fundamental psychological points in Brooks' project is that we construct our own reality. We don't see the world 'as it is'; we see it through the brain's models, expectations and interpretations. This is relevant for mental health. Anxiety and depression often hinge not only on external pressures, but on how those pressures are interpreted, what they mean and which inner stories they are placed into. - The same silence from a friend can be interpreted as: 'She's busy', 'She doesn't like me', or 'I'm unwanted'. - The same mistake at work can be interpreted as: 'That was unfortunate', 'I'm incompetent', or 'I'm going to lose everything'. The difference rarely lies in intelligence. It often lies in emotional experiences, past relationships, vulnerabilities and learned patterns. When we are stressed, depressed or anxious, the interpretive space narrows. The brain becomes more negatively selective. It looks for danger, rejection or loss. Contextual factors can also amplify this. A gray day, little sleep and a small quarrel can make the world feel heavier. That doesn't mean the problems are imagined. It means the experience is a product of many layers – and that we can work on several levels at once. ## Self-perception on the slippery slope: how it can contribute to anxiety and depression When we construct reality, we also construct ourselves. The self-image is not an objective mirror; it is a story. And stories can be distorted. In anxiety the self-image can be marked by vulnerability: 'I can't handle this', 'I'm going to lose control.' In depression the self-image is often marked by worthlessness: 'I'm not good enough', 'I ruin things for others.' Both states can involve an inner court where the evidence is selective and the verdict severe. What Brooks indirectly reminds us of is that these self-narratives are not just 'thoughts'. They are an interplay between: - unconscious patterns and emotional associations - social mirroring (how others have met us) - cultural ideals (what we think we must be) - situational factors (stress, sleep, load) - bodily state (energy, activation, regulation) When we understand this, we can meet symptoms with greater precision. Instead of arguing with the thought, we can examine the whole system that produces the thought. ## Curiosity and openness as psychological skills Many think mental strength is about 'pulling yourself together'. Often it's the opposite: mental strength is about tolerating being human – without waging war on what's happening inside. Meeting thoughts and feelings with curiosity and openness rather than judgment is a practical stance with deep consequences. It doesn't mean you should accept everything as true. It means you investigate what's happening like a good researcher examines data: - *What am I feeling right now?* - *What triggered it?* - *What is this feeling trying to protect me from?* - *What alternative explanations are there?* - *What in the body might be making this feel stronger?* This kind of inner curiosity creates enough distance for you to choose a response. It gives an opportunity to regulate rather than react. ## Emotional intelligence: understanding the complexity behind feelings Emotional intelligence is not just about 'talking about feelings'. It's about understanding emotions' function, nuance and origin. Brooks' emphasis on the unconscious and the social reminds us that our feelings are often complex. You can be irritated but actually disappointed. You can be tired but interpret it as being 'lazy'. You can be scared but mask it as control. When we don't understand what's happening, we become more impulsive, more rigid and more likely to push others away. Developing emotional intelligence can therefore be understood as learning a new language: the language of inner signals. And the more precisely you understand those signals, the more flexible you become in action. ## Humility as an antidote to self-deception In the end I often land on a word that can seem unfamiliar in a performance culture: **humility**. Humility here doesn't mean making yourself small. It means acknowledging that our own cognition is limited: that we have blind spots, that we are influenced by factors we don't see, and that we make decisions for reasons we don't always understand. This humility is not passive. It is active and realistic. It makes us less dogmatic, less self-critical and more learning-oriented. It opens the possibility to say: - 'I may have misunderstood.' - 'My feeling is strong, but it is not necessarily the truth.' - 'My context affects me more than I'd like to admit.' - 'I may need rest, support or regulation – not more self-pressure.' In *The Social Animal* Harold and Erica are used as a narrative frame for this: that human lives are shaped at the intersection of biology, relationships, culture, chance and unconscious processes. Success and love are rarely pure achievements. They are also the result of invisible structures – both inner and outer. ## A more informed relationship with your inner landscape It's easy to feel discouraged by the insight that we have little 'control'. But the most mature consequence is often the opposite: hope. Because if it's true that thoughts and feelings are influenced by sleep, blood sugar, stress, music, weather, relationships and unconscious patterns, it means we have more entry points to change than we thought. You can work on interpretations, but also on rhythms. You can work on self-criticism, but also on your environment. You can work on relational patterns, but also on bodily regulation. Exploring the psyche 'behind the scenes' is therefore about living more truthfully: less simplified, less moralizing, and more in touch with how humans actually function. It's an invitation to navigate your inner landscape with greater self-awareness – and with a kinder form of realism. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød talks about more in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).