Should You Love Yourself or Others Most?

# Should You Love Yourself or Others Most? The question almost sounds moral: should you put yourself first, or should you prioritize others? Many people feel an inner courtroom that immediately starts arguing. On one side is the ideal of selflessness: being generous, attentive, caring, and considerate. On the other side is the message of self-love: standing up for your own needs, respecting your own boundaries, and taking yourself seriously. As a psychologist I often meet people who have tried to solve this as an either-or. The problem is that rarely works. Loving yourself "most" can slide into self-absorption and distance. Loving others "most" can slide into self-erasure, over-accommodation, and a life where self-worth depends on others' approval. A useful framework for understanding this balance comes from Craig Malkin's book *Rethinking Narcissism* (2015). Malkin challenges a simplified understanding of narcissism as something purely evil, and instead describes narcissism as a spectrum: from too little (lack of healthy self-regard) to too much (pathological need for validation). That perspective gives us language to talk about self-love without falling into either self-loathing or self-glorification. ## Narcissism: more than an insult In everyday speech the word "narcissist" is often used as a label for people who seem arrogant, exploitative, self-centered, and lacking empathy. That's understandable, because the extreme form of narcissistic traits can be very burdensome to live with — both for the person and for those around them. At the same time the term can become so loaded that we lose nuance: we begin to think that any self-assertion is narcissism, or that any desire for recognition is suspicious. Malkin's central point is that narcissism itself is not a "thing" you either have or don't have. It's a set of psychological mechanisms tied to self-image, attachment needs, security, and regulation of shame. Everyone has a relationship to their own significance: we need to feel that we matter, that we have a place, that we are worth loving. The question is how this need is expressed — and how flexible it is. To place narcissism in context, Malkin also points to historical and cultural factors. Ideals of individualism, achievement, and visibility can make us more focused on "making it" and showing it off. In such a climate it is easy to confuse healthy pride with fragile self-esteem, and to start measuring your value through others' responses. ## A spectrum from 0 to 10: what does being too low or too high mean? A simple way to think about narcissism, inspired by Malkin's presentation, is a scale from 0 to 10. - **Very low on the scale (0–2)**: Here we find what might look like a "lack of narcissism." It can sound positive, but it often involves an absence of a basic sense of self-worth. The person may be extremely modest, almost erase themselves, and feel that their own needs are less legitimate than others'. Self-esteem becomes unstable or absent, and shame can be a constant companion. - **Middle of the scale (3–6)**: This is the healthiest zone — a level of self-focus that is natural and necessary. You can feel pride, set boundaries, endure being in the spotlight without losing contact with others, and you have a self-image that doesn't collapse under criticism. - **High on the scale (7–10)**: Here the need to feel special, important, or superior becomes more dominant. Validation becomes a kind of psychological "necessity," and relationships can unconsciously be used as mirrors. At the highest levels this can become a more pathological pattern, where empathy is weakened and criticism is experienced as an attack on existence itself. This is not a diagnostic test, but a picture of dynamics. Many move along the scale depending on stress, relationships, life stage, and mental strain. Some can function very well at work but become more vulnerable and validation-seeking in close relationships. Others can be warm and caring while holding an inner rule to always be "the good one," which itself can be a form of self-regulation. ## Too little self-love: the quiet cost Those who sit low on the spectrum can easily be misunderstood. From the outside they may appear easy to work with, generous, flexible, and undemanding. Inside, the price can be high. Typical signs can include: - **Over-accommodation**: You quickly notice what others need but lose touch with what you need. - **Difficulty with boundaries**: You say yes when you mean no, or feel guilt when you try to set limits. - **Dependence on others' judgment**: Even small signs of displeasure can feel dangerous. - **Shame as a baseline mood**: A sense of being "too much" or "too little." This isn't necessarily dramatic. It can look like a life with low friction, but also little freedom. You live "nicely," but narrowly. And you can become especially vulnerable in relationships where the other person takes up a lot of space. An important psychological insight here is that a lack of healthy self-love often isn't about moral weakness or bad will, but about learning: many grew up with love tied to achievement, adaptation, or emotional "usefulness." It's logical that they later become very focused on being easy to like. ## Too much self-love: validation as fuel At the other end of the scale we see what many think of as narcissism: a strong need for attention, an exaggerated sense of importance, arrogance, exploiting others, and reduced empathy. But here too it's useful to think dynamically: behind the hard or grandiose surface we often find vulnerability. A person who must be "best," "most," "right," or "invincible" is often fighting an inner sense of inadequacy. Validation becomes a tool to keep discomfort at bay. In relationships this can create a demanding dynamic: - **You become a mirror, not a fellow human being**: The other's need to see themselves as special can make it hard to meet you as a separate subject. - **Criticism is poorly tolerated**: Even gentle feedback can trigger defense, anger, or withdrawal. - **Empathy becomes selective**: Empathy may exist, but is often tied to whether it supports the self-image. Malkin's point is not to excuse destructive behavior, but to understand what drives it — and how we can distinguish healthy self-regard from validation-based selfhood. ## Three expressions of narcissism: extroverted, introverted, and communal One of the most clarifying contributions in *Rethinking Narcissism* is the description of different forms narcissism can take. Many associate narcissism with the loud, confident, and dominant person. But narcissistic mechanisms can also hide in quieter or "nicer" forms. ### The extroverted narcissist This is the classic stereotype: visible, confident, assertive, often charismatic. The person may be preoccupied with status, power, and admiration. Relationships can be characterized by competition, dominance, and a need to be the center. The challenge for those around them is often not to be pulled into a game where you either have to applaud, submit, or end up in conflict. ### The introverted narcissist This variant is easy to overlook. The introverted narcissist may seem shy, sensitive, or withdrawn, but still has a strong need to feel special — often by being misunderstood, unique, or "different in a deeper way." Validation isn't always sought through applause, but through others seeing how special their inner life is. This can make relationships feel like you constantly need to "understand" the person correctly, and that you never fully get in. ### The communal narcissist Here comes a paradox: narcissism can also be expressed through extreme helpfulness, moralizing, or social engagement — but with an underlying expectation of recognition. The communal narcissist may be occupied with being seen as the kindest, most caring, or most conscientious. This can be confusing for others, because the behavior on the surface is "good." Still, the relationship can feel demanding if the help comes with an invisible invoice: guilt, loyalty, or perpetual gratitude. The common thread in the three variants is that self-image is regulated through external mirrors. The difference lies in strategy: status and dominance, sensitive uniqueness, or moral superiority. ## The question of who you should love most Here it can be useful to draw perspectives from both Aristotle and the Buddha, as Malkin's thematic line invites. Aristotle linked a good life to virtues and balance — a kind of "golden mean." Courage is an example: too little is cowardice, too much is recklessness. Translated to self-love we can say: too little self-respect is self-erasure, too much becomes self-absorption. Virtue lies in a form of mature self-love that doesn't shut others out. Buddhist thought often emphasizes compassion, non-attachment, and loosening the grip on the ego. Misunderstood, this can become a recipe for ignoring one's needs. But at a deeper level it's about reducing suffering by meeting both yourself and others with kindness — without making self-worth depend on winning, performing, or controlling. Together these perspectives point to something important: it's less about ranking love (me first or you first) and more about developing a love that can hold complexity. - You can take yourself seriously without becoming self-absorbed. - You can be generous without becoming boundary-less. - You can want validation without becoming dependent on it. ## The dysfunctional trap: being too preoccupied with being loved A central point in understanding narcissistic dynamics is that both "too much" and "too little" often revolve around the same theme: a vulnerability tied to being loved. Some become preoccupied with being loved by performing, adapting, and making themselves easy to like. Others become preoccupied with being loved by demanding, dominating, or constructing an image of themselves as irresistible. Both can be strategies for regulating inner insecurity. Relationally this can create patterns that lock in: - One becomes the giver and the other the taker. - One becomes the one who "understands" and the other the one who "tests." - One becomes the adapter and the other the definer. In such dynamics love becomes less a meeting between two people and more a project to secure validation, safety, or control. ## Balance as a process, not a permanent state Many look for a final solution: "If I just learn to love myself, everything will be fine." Or: "If I just become less self-centered, my relationships will be healthy." In practice I find balance is more like steering a boat than finding a destination. You must adjust to weather, currents, relationships, and life phases. In stressful times we can become more self-protective and demand more. In times of guilt or shame we can become more self-erasing and give more than we have. That means it's not always a sign of "relapse" when you notice narcissistic tendencies in yourself. It can be a signal of need: the need for rest, security, recognition, or clearer boundaries. ## Practical listening tricks: signs that help you orient on the spectrum I like simple questions that can act as a psychological compass. Not to judge yourself, but to check course. ### 1) How do you handle criticism? - **Healthy zone**: You might feel hurt or irritated, but you can think, reflect, and possibly adjust. - **High zone**: Criticism feels like humiliation or attack. You counterattack, dismiss it, or must restore control. - **Low zone**: Criticism feels like proof that you are worthless. You collapse, accommodate more, or withdraw. ### 2) What happens inside you when others get attention? - **Healthy zone**: You can feel envy or competitiveness, but tolerate others shining. - **High zone**: You need to bring attention back to yourself, or devalue the other. - **Low zone**: You disappear even more, telling yourself you have nothing to contribute. ### 3) Do you set boundaries with respect? - **Healthy zone**: You can say no without crushing yourself or others. - **High zone**: Boundaries become demands, ultimatums, or punishment. - **Low zone**: You avoid boundaries and hope others will understand the unspoken. ### 4) Is care a gift or a strategy? This question is especially relevant for communal narcissism and over-accommodation. - **Gift**: You give because you want to, and can tolerate that the other doesn't always respond perfectly. - **Strategy**: You give to secure value, status, safety, or control — and become easily bitter if you don't get the "right" response. Discovering that care is sometimes a strategy isn't a moral failure. It's an opportunity for honest self-awareness. ## Meeting narcissistic traits in others without losing yourself Malkin's book is also useful because it points to recognition and handling. When meeting people high on the spectrum it can be tempting to make two mistakes: 1) You give up yourself to avoid conflict. 2) You go into battle to win an impossible argument about who is right. A more effective middle way often is: - be clear about boundaries - be concrete (don't psychoanalyze the other in the heat of the moment) - notice manipulation (guilt, shame, threats, flattery) - evaluate the relationship by pattern, not apology At the same time: if you sit low on the spectrum, practicing taking up space may be a necessary part of healthy self-love. And if you sit high on the spectrum at times, practicing vulnerability and reciprocity may be the way back to connection. ## A more precise understanding of self-love Self-love is often portrayed as "thinking you're amazing." I think it's more accurate to understand self-love as: - the ability to be on your own side without being blind - the ability to tolerate your mistakes without crushing yourself - the ability to set boundaries without losing care - the ability to be significant without needing to be superior Put another way: healthy self-love isn't about loving yourself more than others, but about loving yourself enough to love others without disappearing — and loving others enough not to use them as mirrors. ## Closing reflection So should you love yourself or others most? For me the question makes the most sense if we translate it into something more practical: are you living in a way that gives both you and others dignity? Craig Malkin's spectrum model in *Rethinking Narcissism* (2015) helps us see that the challenge isn't to become "completely without" narcissism, but to find a mature balance. Too little self-regard makes you vulnerable to becoming invisible in your own life. Too much makes you vulnerable to losing real connection. Balance is not an endpoint. It's a continuous movement between self-respect and care, between standing firm and being open. And often it is precisely in that movement we find both security and closeness — to ourselves and to others. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød talks more about in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).