It's Important to Be Angry, but Not Aggressive

# It's Important to Be Angry, but Not Aggressive Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions we have. Many associate it with danger, chaos, or destructiveness. As a psychologist, I often meet people who are either afraid of their own anger or struggle to set boundaries because they fear being perceived as angry. This is entirely understandable, as the culture we grow up in greatly influences how we handle and express strong emotions. Still, perhaps it's time to bust some myths: Anger is not dangerous, but the way we express and relate to our anger can be crucial to how we feel about ourselves and those around us. ## The Difference Between Anger and Aggression Before we delve deeper, let's clarify the terms: Anger is a feeling, while aggression is an action. This may seem obvious, but the distinction between feeling and action is surprisingly often blurred—both for children and adults. Anger arises when we feel that someone is crossing our boundaries or we are subjected to injustice. It is a physiological response; an alarm that tells us something is off and gives us the necessary energy to protect ourselves, speak up, or find new solutions. Aggression, on the other hand, is about how we choose to express or act on this feeling—from speaking loudly, using harsh words, to physical violence. Anger itself is neutral. It's what we do with our anger—aggression—that determines whether it builds up or tears down, either for ourselves or our relationships. ## Why Anger Gets Misunderstood In many families and societies, anger is seen as something dangerous or forbidden. Perhaps because some have experienced that anger always leads to conflict or trouble, or because they lack good role models for how anger can be expressed in safe and respectful ways. This leads many to try to suppress their own anger, to avoid becoming “that kind of person” who loses their temper or hurts others. Paradoxically, this often leads to the opposite. When we suppress anger, we lose important signals about our own needs and boundaries. We may feel invisible, both to ourselves and to others, and it becomes hard to navigate close relationships. The result can be an emotional vacuum, where we no longer know what we really want, can tolerate, or need. Some therefore adopt the opposite strategy: letting anger out uncritically via aggression. In this case, boundaries are crossed over others—through yelling, scolding, criticism, or, in the worst case, violence. This may offer a momentary sense of relief, but rarely yields a lasting solution—quite the opposite. The environment becomes insecure, and no one receives the true message behind the anger. ## The Importance of Recognizing the Feeling Anger is as fundamental as joy, sadness, or fear. At the same time, it may be the emotion people feel the most ambivalence toward. On one hand, anger can feel liberating—a driving force that gives us the courage to protest, stand up for ourselves, or fight for something we believe in. On the other, many fear the consequences—that we might hurt others or be rejected ourselves. If we consistently ignore or hide our anger, we risk becoming apathetic or shut down. Many describe how holding back anger over time leads to feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, or exhaustion. It’s not about giving anger free rein, but about becoming aware of our own needs and boundaries—and seeing anger as a resource rather than a threat. ## Faulty Strategies—and How We Camouflage Anger People often find creative ways to “deal with” anger. Some grit their teeth and pretend nothing is wrong. Others hide anger behind irony, laughter, or by withdrawing from the situation. Yet others turn to physical activity—such as going for a run—to dissipate the bodily unrest. This can temporarily relieve the pressure, but risks shifting our focus away from what’s actually happening inside us. On the flip side, we can get caught up in acting out—where anger becomes verbal or physical attacks. Often, this is about hiding vulnerability, such as shame, sorrow, or fear, behind a “tough” exterior. In some families or cultures, only anger is accepted as an emotion, whereas sadness, vulnerability, or insecurity are taboo. When this happens, we lose the fine-tuned sense of our own emotional life and the language for various important nuances. ## Becoming Friends with Your Own Anger Good mental health is about being able to tolerate and sort through your emotions. This means being able to check in: What is my anger signaling right now? What need or value feels threatened for me? Mindfulness and emotion-focused therapy emphasize that all feelings have something to tell us. In the book "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner, anger is described as an invitation to “self-clarification.” Anger helps us understand where our boundaries lie so we can make better choices—whether we want to set them more clearly, negotiate, understand the other person better, or simply speak honestly about how we feel. Being friends with your own anger means taking responsibility for how you express it. If we manage to communicate our needs calmly but clearly, we have a better chance of resolving conflicts—and of being respected. Here, it’s important to distinguish between “I’m angry at you” and “I would like more understanding for how this feels to me.” Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers concrete tools for expressing feelings and needs without attacking others. ## Relational Benefits—and Challenges Relationships where anger has no place often end up superficial and unclear. If no one speaks up, it becomes hard to know where the boundaries are—for close friendships, romantic partners, and families alike. On the other hand, relationships where anger constantly spills over into aggression become characterized by insecurity and stress. The big challenge—for both children and adults—is to learn that anger is a signal, and that we are responsible for how we channel this energy. Children need adults who can help them sort through: "Now you’re feeling angry, and that’s allowed. But we can’t hit or shout—we can put it into words or step away." When adults take responsibility for their own anger, the sense of safety grows both for themselves and for the children around them. ## Everyday Case—Why Anger Often Shows Up in Traffic Imagine a situation in traffic—a typical example where many feel angry. You're in a hurry, and the car in front of you is driving way too slowly. Suddenly, your body explodes: "Typical idiot!" Here, the strength of anger is clearly manifested—you wake up, become alert, and get an energy boost. The problem is, this anger is often channeled into aggressiveremarks or actions, like honking, disparaging comments, or dangerous overtaking. This kind of “everyday aggression” offers brief relief but is often followed by shame or guilt. Maybe it wasn’t really the other person's driving that triggered you, but stress over being late or worries from home. Even in these situations, pausing and being curious about what the anger is actually about can help us act more wisely and respectfully—towards ourselves and others. ## Balancing Adaptation and Assertiveness Most of us swing between adapting too much to others’ expectations, and asserting our own needs in ways that may come at the expense of the relationship. Psychologist Susan David writes in "Emotional Agility" about the importance of allowing all emotions, but not letting them direct everything we do. She uses the term “emotional agility”—the ability to meet ourselves with curiosity and respect, without falling victim to every wave of anger, fear, or shame. Expressing anger in a mature way isn’t about letting feelings run wild, but about taking responsibility for how we communicate needs and set boundaries. This isn’t easy, and often we need both reflection, support from others, and perhaps professional guidance. It’s about standing firm in ourselves, without spilling our emotions over onto others. ## Practical Tips for Healthy Anger Management - **Become familiar with your body's signals.** Do you notice a racing heart, sweating, clenched fists? These are often the first signs that anger is starting to build up. - **Give the feeling a language.** Practice saying "I’m feeling angry right now because…" This helps your brain sort things out and gives you more space to choose your response. - **Wait a moment before you react.** Take a couple of deep breaths before you say or do anything. Mindfulness can help you be curious about the feeling as it arises. - **Use “I” messages.** Avoid accusations and instead share how things are for you: "When you do X, I feel Y and I need Z." - **Seek support or guidance.** Sometimes anger is connected to deep and painful experiences, and it can be helpful to explore this together with others. ## Final Reflection Anger itself is seldom dangerous, but suppression, denial, or uncontrolled acting out can create fertile ground for problems—both mentally and relationally. Becoming friends with your own anger isn't the same as being angry all the time or giving yourself free rein to “fight.” It’s about meeting the feeling professionally and with curiosity: What is this emotion trying to tell me? How can I take care of both myself and the relationship? Know that anger is a natural and important resource on the path to greater self-respect, better boundary-setting, and more authentic relationships. You deserve to get to know this part of yourself, without fear, shame, or overwhelming feelings of guilt. Anger—used wisely and responsibly—does not make us dangerous. It makes us alive. --- **Do you want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød explores further in the podcast episode of the same name. You’ll find the episode as part of the exercise material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).