Dramatic and Superficial

# Dramatic and Superficial In today's society, we often see worse consequences of a superficial existence than ever before. Showing our best side, collecting validation on social media, and always keeping up appearances has become more the rule than the exception. But what really happens when our entire experience of ourselves is anchored in the eyes of others? What do we lose—and how can it affect our mental health? Let’s take a closer look at the psychological mechanisms behind a dramatic and superficial way of being, and shine a light on what psychology refers to as histrionic personality disorder. At the same time, I'll explore how such traits, to varying degrees, live in all of us, and how early experiences can leave lasting marks on our sense of self. ## The Pursuit of External Validation For some, the external is almost everything: appearance, status, how one is perceived, what role one plays in the community. In many contexts, this can seem like an entirely normal part of life—we want to make a good impression, we want to be liked. Still, the pursuit of validation can become so all-consuming that there is no longer an inner compass. Instead, one must constantly feel seen and appreciated—without this, one risks "disappearing" inside their own head. British psychiatrist Ronald Fairbairn, in his groundbreaking research, described how some develop what he called the "false self" in response to inadequate validation from close caregivers. With such a foundation, reaching for the favor of others becomes a fixed pattern, and the individual experiences that self-worth does not exist without external validation. We must not forget that the culture we live in amplifies this dynamic. Attention has become a currency. It’s all about being visible, being shared, liked, and commented on. There are almost no limits to how much one can manipulate their own image, and self-worth is often measured by the number of confirmations from outside. The external—not the internal—takes precedence. ## Histrionic Personality Disorder – Theater on Life’s Stage In clinical psychology, we have descriptions of the extreme forms of this. Histrionic personality disorder (formerly called hysterical personality structure) is precisely about a pervasive and almost all-consuming search for attention. People with such traits often have a strong need to be the center of attention, and drama becomes a means to be noticed. Feelings are often expressed excessively, the body is actively used to attract attention, and relationships can easily be misunderstood as deeper than they actually are. This can take many forms. Some dress very provocatively, while others seduce with words and body language. There are versions where becoming quiet and withdrawn is almost theatrical—where attention is achieved through absence rather than presence. The pattern is often a continual search for and need of signals that one is loved, desired, attractive, and valuable. It’s a deep existential need that isn’t about superficiality, but about survival. ## Childhood Wounds and the Unstable Identity How does one become this way? Psychodynamic models of understanding, from Freud to modern attachment theories, give us some answers. It usually starts in early relationships—especially with caregivers. Children need to be seen, mirrored, and cared for in a consistent and safe way. If this contact is unpredictable, or love is given conditionally, a fundamental insecurity about one’s own worth develops. This is an experience I, as a psychologist, often encounter in the clinic. Some remember growing up with fleeting parental attention, rewarding but unpredictable, and love had to be "earned." For others, the caregivers were themselves insecure, preoccupied with their own problems, and emotionally unavailable. These experiences provide little ground for developing a solid, internal self. Instead, one continually seeks new infusions of validation from outside. Here it is relevant to mention John Bowlby’s attachment theory. He described how stable and sensitive attachment experiences provide the child with a safe base, while insecure or ambivalent attachment easily develops into a lifelong search for external security and validation. For those who never feel loved or valued for who they are, external confirmation becomes crucial. ## Everyday Examples This isn’t just about clinical diagnoses, but also about traits we can recognize in ourselves, especially during transitional phases like adolescence and identity development. For many, the teenage years are marked by restlessness and a fear of being left out. I remember periods myself when I needed people around me, as if I didn’t exist if no one saw my presence. The absence of others’ attention could feel like an existential unease. Some grow out of these strategies as their self-image strengthens. They develop more sides of themselves, learn to tolerate not always being the center of attention, and build an identity that can withstand periods of solitude. But for some, the pattern becomes permanent: The value of life is still measured by how much others light up when they see you, or how brightly you shine in the eyes of others. This makes one vulnerable to rejection, criticism, and unstable relationships. ## The Core of Pain and Defense Mechanisms Behind the superficial facade, there is almost always a deeper pain. The British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott spoke about the "true self" and the "false self." When we don’t feel loved for who we are, we often develop an external "false" self to compensate. Inside this facade can lie a sense of emptiness, loneliness, and meaninglessness, which one fights desperately to avoid feeling. Such defense mechanisms—including denial and projection—become necessary to escape discomfort. For all people, it can be tempting to flee from inner pain by disappearing into roles, scenarios, and facades. Some of us escape through perfectionism, others through seduction and drama. Yet the pattern is the same: The fear of not being seen and valued for who you truly are. ## Body, Sexuality, and Vulnerability A particularly painful variant of the search for attention can be about the body. I have met patients—especially women—for whom the body became the only "currency" they felt they had. For example, I met a woman who had experienced sexual abuse in childhood. For her, intimacy was always connected to sexuality; dressing provocatively and being validated for her appearance became the glue that held life together, even though the price was sky-high. Again we see how unprocessed trauma causes the search for love to take destructive forms. This is also known from research on trauma and personality development. Judith Herman’s acclaimed book “Trauma and Recovery” highlights how sexual and emotional abuse can create a distorted self-image, where value is tied only to the body’s potential to provoke desire and attention in others. Validation becomes an addiction, and shame grows in step with the experiences of being used, rather than loved. ## The Path Toward an Authentic Self What can help? The starting point must be to discover and acknowledge the pattern, and gradually dare to approach oneself behind the facade. In meetings with patients, it’s often this process that brings hope: The moment one dares to talk about the needs, fears, and emptiness beneath the surface—and experiences being met in a real and empathetic way. Psychodynamic therapy focuses on these underlying dynamics. Typically, one works to understand their own story, process trauma, and develop new ways to experience affect and attachment. This requires trust in the relationship with the therapist, and time to explore what has so far been hidden behind outward performance and “acting.” Mindfulness and mental training can also have a place. Learning to be present with one's inner life—even when it hurts—is essential for building a stable and authentic self. Here also lies the potential to let go of superficial strategies and discover genuine meaning and self-worth. ## The Surface and Depth Within Ourselves Living on the surface can provide an immediate rush, particularly in a society where the culture of approval reigns. But it’s often the deep roots within ourselves that we long for—the peace that comes from knowing our own worth, regardless of others’ gaze. The French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre wrote that "hell is other people," but when we lose ourselves in the search for external validation, hell can easily become our own interior. It is only when we dare to look inward, with curiosity and compassion, that we can find the way from dramatic and superficial living—and toward real life. Books that describe these issues include Thomas Erikson's "Søvnen og døden" and Alice Miller's "The Drama of the Gifted Child." These address how early caregiving and mirroring lay the very foundation for identity and self-worth, and how the absence or distortion of this creates deep wounds. Moving from the surface toward the depths requires courage—but it is here we find freedom from the need for theater, and the opportunity to experience ourselves as whole, valuable human beings. --- **Do you want to explore this topic in more depth?** This is a theme that psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in a podcast episode with the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).