A Flood of Love Hormones

# A Flood of Love Hormones Many of the difficulties we face in close relationships have deep roots in early attachment patterns. As a psychologist, I often see how a longing for belonging and safety can become a persistent unease — a fear of being abandoned, a need for constant reassurance, or a pattern of pushing others away to avoid being "swallowed." These strategies often function as protection, but they get in the way of genuine intimacy. In this text I explore how childhood relational experiences shape adult relationships, which psychological theories shed light on this, and how newer treatment ideas — including controversial methods like using MDMA in therapy — can be understood and evaluated. The goal is not to provide a definitive answer, but to offer a professional and reflective entry point for how we can understand and work with relational pain. ## Relevance of attachment theory John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth laid the foundation for modern attachment thinking. We are born biologically programmed to attach to caregivers; this is a prerequisite for survival and for developing a stable self. Ainsworth identified different attachment patterns through the "strange situation" studies: secure, anxious/ambivalent, avoidant, and later disorganized attachment. These patterns influence how we relate to partners, friends, and colleagues in adulthood. A secure attachment provides an inner secure base: the ability to ask for support, tolerate distance, and repair conflicts. Insecure patterns, on the other hand, can lead to two main relational styles: - Anxious/clinging: Intense fear of abandonment, need for constant reassurance, and emotional hyperactivation at the slightest sign of distance. - Avoidant/dismissive: Pushing others away to protect oneself from vulnerability; keeping feelings at a distance and often appearing self-reliant. These patterns are often unconscious and are repeated in new relationships. When a partner activates our old attachment schemas, we may react with panic, anger, or withdrawal — which in practice makes genuine attachment more difficult. ## Karen Horney's perspectives: strategies for connecting Karen Horney described people's search for safety through three basic strategies: moving toward others (compliant/clinging), moving against them (competitive/aggressive), and moving away from them (withdrawn/avoidant). Horney's works, such as _Our Inner Conflicts_ and _Neurosis and Human Growth_, show how these neurotic strategies can feel necessary in an unsafe environment, yet simultaneously hinder genuine contact. Where Horney focuses on psychological strategies to secure belonging, attachment theory complements this by explaining how early relational experiences create lasting expectations and emotional automatisms. The result can be a narrative like "I must make the other stay with me" or "I must protect myself from being rejected," which in turn threatens one's needs and weakens self-respect. ## The cycle of rejection and how it is maintained The cycle of rejection can begin in childhood with experiences of not being met, seen, or held emotionally safe. In adulthood, small signs of distance — a sarcastic look, a late message, or a prioritized work task — can trigger old wounds. The reaction is often exaggerated because the brain interprets the situation through past experience. The consequences are familiar: some people shelve their own needs to please the other; others try to control the relationship to avoid uncertainty; some give up intimacy because it feels too scary. Over time this creates a negative spiral that feeds both shame and reduced capacity for love. Breaking the cycle requires two simultaneous processes: 1) increased awareness of one’s own patterns (what happens in me when I feel abandoned?), and 2) practice in new responses (how can I seek closeness in a way that also takes care of myself?). This is at the core of many therapeutic approaches. ## Genuine relationship with yourself as the basis for loving others A central point in relational therapy and in all mature personal development is that you must learn to be a "good enough" inner figure for yourself. This involves acknowledging your own insecurity while still being able to take care of your needs. When we increase our tolerance for vulnerability, we reduce the urge to cling or to reject. This is not a simple intellectual exercise but a developmental process that often requires support — either through therapy, close relationships, or purposeful self-reflection. Modern therapeutic approaches like mentalization-based therapy, emotion-focused therapy (EFT), and certain variants of integrative therapy explicitly work with the ability to understand one’s own and others’ mental states, increase emotional regulation, and repair relational ruptures. Such methods aim to build the capacity to be close without losing oneself. ## MDMA in therapy: opportunities and concerns A controversial but interesting development in psychotherapy is research on MDMA-assisted therapy, particularly for treating trauma. MDMA primarily works by increasing the availability of serotonin and oxytocin, reducing fear signals in the amygdala, and promoting empathy and emotional closeness. This can create a therapeutic space where previously overwhelming pain can be met without panic, and where the client can more easily experience safety and support from the therapist. Positive research findings include better access to difficult affect, an increased ability to talk about trauma without overwhelming anxiety, and experiences of deep connection and acceptance. For people whose relational life is hindered by early rejection and chronic insecurity, such experiences can be significant: they can provide a corrective emotional experience that challenges old schemas. At the same time, we must be clear about the concerns: - MDMA is a psychoactive substance with potential physiological risks (cardiac strain, dehydration) and possible psychological aftereffects if misused. - The drug cannot "fix" relationships on its own; it is a tool that must be combined with structured therapeutic processes (preparation, integration, a safe framework). - Ethical and legal aspects: using MDMA outside controlled, professionally grounded settings can be harmful. - There is a risk that the intensity of the experience is not integrated, resulting in short-lived improvement without lasting change in relational patterns. Thus the discussion around MDMA-assisted therapy is often two-sided: on one hand there are substantial therapeutic possibilities; on the other, it requires strict control, expertise, and integration to be a responsible offering. ## What a therapeutic approach can look like In my work I emphasize several parallel tracks that together can reduce relational pain: 1. Assessment and understanding: Explore early attachment experiences and identify current patterns. Awareness is the first step to avoid automatic reactions. 2. Emotional regulation: Practice noticing and tolerating feelings without acting impulsively. Mindfulness, body-oriented exercises, and breathing techniques can be helpful. 3. Repair and relational practice: Learn to restore contact after a conflict. This is about small, concrete skills: asking for what you need, setting boundaries, and being able to give and receive apologies. 4. The therapeutic relationship: A secure therapeutic alliance can serve as a "model" for new ways of relating. Through repeated safe interactions, new experiences can be consolidated. 5. Possibly assisted therapy: For some, MDMA under strict control and with clear procedures can provide a break from old patterns by creating an emotional state where new learning is possible. This should always be weighed against risks and alternative methods. ## Practical approaches for everyday life For those who find relationships repeatedly falling into the same negative pattern, here are some concrete suggestions to take with you: - Practice naming emotions in the moment: "When you did X, I felt insecure" — this reduces automatic interpretations. - Try small experiments: clearly say what you need in a small matter and see what happens. - Set boundaries with warmth: saying no can be an act of love both for yourself and others. - Seek support: relational pain often heals best in contact with a safe person or in therapy. These practices do not necessarily break patterns overnight but provide daily rehearsal in new ways of being together. ## The healing power of love as a treatment philosophy I believe that embracing the healing potential of love — understood as the ability to show closeness, acceptance, and curiosity in the face of pain — is a powerful therapeutic starting point. Whether this happens through traditional talk therapy, couples therapy, emotion-focused work, or in some cases under carefully controlled conditions with aids like MDMA, the common denominator is that we seek to restore a sense of being seen and held. It is important not to romanticize chemical aids: lasting change requires work, integration, and relational practice. At the same time, corrective emotional experiences — regardless of form — can be what opens the door to genuine change. ## Concluding reflection Interpersonal difficulties rarely stem from a single event. They are often aggregates of many small wounds, old strategies, and a basic human need to be loved and seen. The work for better relationships always begins with a better relationship to yourself: room for insecurity, the courage to be vulnerable, and the willingness to practice new ways of relating to others. Attachment research and psychodynamic perspectives like Karen Horney’s work provide valuable insights into why we act as we do. New treatment possibilities, including MDMA-assisted therapy, open interesting doors, but they must be met with respect, critical assessment, and safe frameworks. The power of love, combined with professionally grounded methods, can be a path toward deeper closeness — both to others and to ourselves. My encouragement is to start with small steps: get to know your reactions, allow yourself to be imperfect, and seek support when patterns repeat. Change often happens quietly, through repeated, small experiences of being met in new ways. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses in more detail in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice materials at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).