Loneliness

# Loneliness Loneliness is a phenomenon that touches most of us at some point—whether it’s visible on the outside, or only felt as a quiet echo in our own minds. It’s rarely a topic we bring up in everyday conversation, yet few things affect our mental health and quality of life more than the absence of genuine connection with other people. As a psychologist, I often meet patients who describe a pervasive sense of loneliness, even though to others they seem surrounded by people. Why is that? What is it about loneliness that makes it so painful, and how does it affect us? ## Loneliness – More Than Just Being Alone A common misconception is that loneliness is about how many friends you have, or how often you find yourself in social settings. In reality, loneliness is first and foremost a subjective experience—an internal feeling of longing or vulnerability, rather than a matter of the number of acquaintances. As HelseNorge writes, loneliness can be described as an "indefinable longing or a yearning for other people." You don’t necessarily feel lonely only when sitting alone. For many, loneliness is felt most strongly in those moments when you _should_ belong—during holidays, major celebrations, or at the workplace. These occasions, associated with togetherness, can in fact amplify feelings of exclusion. ## The Human Need for Connection We humans are fundamentally social creatures. Through evolution, we have developed a need for our group to survive. The ways we connect to others—being seen, being validated, comforting and supporting one another—are not just pleasant additions to life; they are biological necessities. Evolutionary psychology points out that people without access to the community historically had significantly worse odds of survival, and our brains react strongly to the threat of isolation. The need for attachment is thoroughly explained in developmental psychology, for example in John Bowlby’s attachment theory. Secure relationships in both childhood and adulthood provide a sort of inner foundation that makes us less vulnerable to loneliness later on. Good relationships function as internal dialogues; when we’re alone, we carry with us the support from those who have been important to us. But this "relational reservoir" needs to be filled and maintained through contact—over time, it’s depleted without replenishment. ## The Different Faces of Loneliness It’s important to distinguish between _being alone_ and _feeling lonely_. Many find strength and meaning in spending time alone. Thoughts and feelings can be clarified, a sense of calm found, and inner balance created here. But a lack of connection over time, especially if it’s due to compulsion or painful experiences, can trigger more serious and pervasive loneliness. Here, it’s not just a longing for others, but also an experience of helplessness—that no one steps in when life becomes difficult. Statistics show that loneliness is widespread in all ages, but especially older adults and those with mental health challenges are vulnerable groups. Adults who struggle with social networks over long periods—often due to previous traumatic experiences or a difficult childhood—may experience chronic loneliness, where a lack of trust and experience with close, supportive relationships makes it hard to connect with new people. ## The Psychology of Loneliness: How Does It Affect Us? The feeling of loneliness doesn’t always show on the outside. Many carry a smile or a mask in social situations, but inside exists a gnawing feeling that no one truly sees, understands, or cares. Our brain then goes into a sort of "survival mode." Research on loneliness, including by the American psychologist John Cacioppo, shows that prolonged social isolation can make us more self-focused. We become more concerned with analyzing our own inner life, withdraw even further, and ultimately lose the ability to see and understand others' perspectives. This, in turn, can reinforce the feeling of powerlessness and isolation. Loneliness is also associated with increased risk of depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, and lower quality of life. It’s a burden that affects self-image; gradually, one can begin to believe there is something wrong with them, or that they are not worthy of community. American psychologist Susan Pinker discusses in her book “The Village Effect” how social contact, even in small doses, has a positive effect on both mental and physical health. Too little social contact is a risk factor equal to smoking and obesity when it comes to longevity and health. ## Why Does It Get So Difficult? In periods of external restrictions—such as during a pandemic—loneliness becomes more apparent. Not being able to exchange a handshake, a hug, or share laughter around a dinner table, creates a bodily experience of longing. Small social rituals are more important than many realize. A patient aptly stated: “Even that damned Christmas.” For some, the holidays become a magnifying glass on everything they lack, while others feel unexpected relief in avoiding family gatherings marked by conflict or emptiness. Some avoid contact because they fear not being good enough, or because they have painful experiences of rejection. Others hide behind facades or withdraw, scared of being exposed as failures. The common denominator is that the longer this distance is allowed to grow, the harder it becomes to break out of loneliness. For many, especially those with low social capital or mental health difficulties, this becomes a self-fulfilling barrier—they lack experiences showing that others can be safe, warm, and available. ## Inner and Outer Strength: How to Find Meaning Alone? The power of our close relationships is enormous. Good memories, experiences of being appreciated, and loving bonds make us able to endure periods of temporary loneliness. These relationships serve as a kind of inner guide. Still, they must be maintained. Over time, you can’t live off old memories; relational capital needs to be renewed in contact with others. There is hope, however. Loneliness is not a static state, but an experience that can be changed. For some, it starts small: popping into the local shop to exchange a few words with a cashier, meeting the eyes of a colleague in the hallway, or starting a chat with a neighbor. Small, daily actions have proven to be more significant than many believe, and can be the seed of new connections. Some don’t have anyone to talk to immediately, and here low-threshold services like helplines, chat services, or organizations designed to offer community are important. Often, it’s not about a need for a psychologist—more than anything, it’s about contact with another person who can listen and share understanding. Real dialogue, where we are open about difficulties and invite mutual sharing, is the key to good relationships. ## The Way Out of Loneliness Opening up about loneliness takes courage. At the same time, it might be one of the most important investments we make in our own health. It helps to start with someone you trust, or to explore opportunities to participate in activities where you can meet new people with shared interests. Here, groups, associations, and activities can be useful arenas. Often, giving can help you feel connected—everything from volunteer work to helping someone with small chores provides a sense of meaning and belonging. Psychologist and researcher Brené Brown writes in her book "Daring Greatly" about the importance of vulnerability. By daring to show who we are—even with the sides we’re ashamed of—we give others a chance to truly meet us. This creates a foundation for depth and genuine community, instead of just superficial togetherness. Good relationships are built on openness, curiosity, and willingness to share. ## Small Steps Toward Change There are no simple recipes or quick fixes for loneliness, but the sum of small steps can make a significant difference, especially over time. For some, it starts with making a phone call to an old friend, for others by joining a book club, or perhaps daring to tell someone how you really feel. Social contact doesn’t have to be big and showy; quality often outweighs quantity. If you have one secure relationship, it can be enough to carry you through difficult periods. For older people, who are often described as particularly vulnerable to loneliness, initiatives such as visitor programs, local community cafés, and digital meeting places can be a way into community. Here it’s important that society accommodates, but also that we ourselves dare to accept what is offered—even if it may feel unfamiliar or difficult at first. ## For Reflection Loneliness is part of the human experience. It’s painful because it points to something fundamental in us: our longing to belong, to be understood, and to matter to others. By acknowledging loneliness—in ourselves and in others—we can help break the silence surrounding the phenomenon. When faced with loneliness, curiosity helps. Who can you open up to? How might you help build a bridge to someone who might be feeling distant? Maybe it starts with a small gesture, a validating glance, or an open conversation. Because although loneliness can feel paralyzing, it reminds us of our shared human vulnerability—and, after all, of how much contact and closeness truly mean in our lives. --- **Want to delve deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød explores further in the podcast episode by the same name. You'll find the episode as part of the exercise materials at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).