Groups We Belong To — For Better and Worse

# Groups We Belong To — For Better and Worse I've worked with group therapy since the start of my career in 2005. That's not accidental. I have a basic belief that people come to know themselves in relation to others, and that belonging in groups is not just a nice-to-have, but a cornerstone of quality of life and mental health. At the same time I know—both from clinical experience and life in general—that groups can contain tricky dynamics. In some groups, relatively well-functioning people can actually become unwell. In other groups, people can access some of the most healing things we have: honest relationships, reciprocity, and the experience of being both seen and tolerated. This text is about the double nature of groups: how group belonging can amplify shame, loneliness and exclusion—and how a good group can foster growth, self-awareness and more resilient relationships. ## Human beings as herd animals — and why groups affect us so strongly We are built for community. Our brains continually assess whether we are safe in our relationships, and much of our self-esteem is shaped in the social landscape. Belonging is not decoration; it is a regulating force. That also means that social disconnection, loneliness and persistent exclusion are not just painful—they can be directly destabilizing. In therapy I often see how symptoms like anxiety, low mood, social agitation and low self-esteem have a relational core. Many carry an inner assumption that "I don't fit in", "I'm wrong", "I'm too much" or "I'm not important." Such assumptions rarely remain as pure thoughts. They become ways of being: withholding, over-adapting, perfectionism, irritability, control, distancing or constant self-criticism. Groups amplify all of this because the group is a small society. In a group we become especially attentive to status, rank, inclusion, micro-signals and feedback—both the feedback we receive and the feedback we think we receive. ## Neuroses and defenses: the filter we see others through A central point in my work is that we rarely meet the world "directly." We filter experiences through what we can call neurotic patterns and defense mechanisms. By "neurotic" I don't mean "odd" or "sick," but that we can become trapped in automatic strategies that once were useful but later create problems. Defense mechanisms can be subtle. They can look like: - **Humor** that distracts from vulnerability - **Intellectualization** where we explain feelings instead of feeling them - **Withdrawal** to avoid rejection - **Attack** to avoid feeling shame - **Over-adaptation** to secure acceptance This filter creates a dilemma: we believe we react to others as they are, but often we react to our own interpretation—tinted by past experiences, old relational "recipes" and unconscious procedures. In individual therapy these patterns can become visible through the stories the patient brings in. In group therapy they often become visible in real time. ## Group therapy as a laboratory for honest relationships I like to think of group therapy as a relational laboratory: an arena where we can examine how we actually function with other people. What is distinctive is that the group gives the opportunity to meet yourself in the mirror of multiple perspectives. Many of us navigate socially with what I might figuratively call "social life preservers": we small talk, smooth things over, smile when we feel unsafe, and hide what is painful. This makes everyday life possible, but it can also prevent depth. In a safe therapy group we gradually practice putting the life preservers aside. That does not mean we should be brutally honest or private without consideration. It means we practice being more direct, more precise and more emotionally present: - "This is how I experience you right now." - "I notice that I withdraw." - "I feel uncertain when you say that." - "I notice I want to impress you." It is often here that something truly important happens: the relationship becomes a place for exploration, not performance. ## Direct feedback — and why it can be healing Many people have a basic fear of feedback. That makes sense. Feedback can at worst mean rejection, humiliation or loss of belonging. At the same time feedback is also one of the fastest routes to reality orientation. In group therapy we work on giving and receiving feedback in a way that is **respectful, specific and owned**. That means speaking from your own experience, not as a judge: - "I notice that I become uncertain when you go quiet." - "I want to help you, but I'm not sure if that's wanted." - "I experience you as strong, and at the same time a bit unavailable." In this way feedback becomes a window into our own patterns. Some discover that they constantly interpret neutrality as rejection. Others see that they take up a lot of space to avoid feeling small. Some notice they always try to be "nice"—but that this also makes them unclear and lonely. ## Asking open questions of each other A hallmark of good group process is a curious attitude. We practice asking open questions: - "How is it for you that I say this?" - "How do you experience me?" - "What is happening inside you right now?" These kinds of questions can be demanding because they take us out of control. But they also do something crucial: they help us discover our blind spots. Blind spots are not flaws in us; they are unavoidable. We cannot fully see ourselves from the inside. Therefore meeting others' experience of us can be a powerful tool for self-understanding. ## Unconscious procedures: the autopilot in relationships In relationships we often develop what I call unconscious procedures—automated patterns of action that activate without us fully noticing. They can concern: - how we seek closeness - how we protect ourselves - who we trust - what we do when we feel unsafe Some go on autopilot into the role of the strong one. Others become the funny one. Some become the person who "doesn't need anything." In a group the autopilot becomes visible because it repeats—and because others notice it. The interesting thing is that the autopilot often has an internal logic: it tries to prevent pain. But the cost can be high. Strategies that protect us from rejection can also prevent closeness. ## Insecurity, low self-esteem and depression in the light of the group Many who seek group therapy struggle with insecurity, low self-esteem and depressive tendencies. It can be tempting to believe the solution is to "pull yourself together" or "think positively." But often the problem is more relational: the person feels fundamentally alone, misunderstood or unwanted. The group can then become a place where one gradually dares to let oneself be seen. Seeing yourself through others' eyes can be a powerful experience—both frightening and liberating. For some it becomes a correction of an old self-image: "I thought I was uninteresting, but the others are actually moved by me." For others it becomes clear that they've lived with a constant expectation of criticism, and that this expectation does not always match reality. In this way the group can contribute to both symptom relief and deeper change: not just "less anxiety," but more security in contact. ## Loneliness and the fear of being vulnerable Loneliness is not just about being alone, but about feeling alone—even when with others. Many have learned that vulnerability is dangerous. They may have experienced their feelings being rejected, mocked or ignored. Then it makes sense to develop a strategy: keep others at a distance. The problem is that distance also creates loneliness. In a safe group one can gradually test something new: sharing what is painful without being punished for it. This can provide an experience of acceptance that is not just "pleasant," but deeply reorganizing. It's about gaining experiences that contradict an old inner rule, for example: "If I show who I am, I'll be abandoned." ## Navigating the emotional landscape — together Groups are emotional systems. Emotions are contagious. Tensions build. Sympathy, envy, irritation, admiration and attraction can arise. Instead of pretending this doesn't exist, we use it as material for understanding. An important part of group therapy is practicing emotional tolerance: being able to stand discomfort without fleeing into old patterns. Some must practice staying in contact even when they are afraid. Others must practice regulating intensity and making space. When people gradually release defenses, a remarkable phenomenon often occurs: we see the beauty in each other, even when it is covered by wounds. Many carry the idea that they must be "finished" to be liked. In a good group you often see the opposite: that the human—the unfinished—can be precisely what creates closeness. ## Reciprocity: both giving and receiving A central factor in healing relationships is reciprocity. It's about being able both to give support and to receive support. Many who struggle have an imbalance here: - Some give all the time but don't receive (and end up empty or bitter). - Some receive but don't dare give (and feel shame or like a burden). In group processes this becomes clear because the group naturally mirrors imbalances. Practicing reciprocity can strengthen self-esteem in a deep way: "I have something to contribute" and "I am worth being helped." ## Groups that make us sick — and groups that make us wiser Groups can be brutal. In dysfunctional groups one can easily feel excluded, inferior or different. Unclear norms, indirect communication, cliques, power games and a culture of shame can make people begin to doubt themselves. In such environments even robust people can develop symptoms. But groups can also be the opposite: a culture of openness and authenticity where destructive dynamics are decoded instead of trapping people in them. In such groups difficult feelings can become information, not proof that something is wrong with you. There is a fundamental difference between groups that build belonging through control and conformity, and groups that build belonging through honesty, respect and room for difference. ## Social belonging as "psychological training" Research points to the link between social belonging and mental health. It makes sense to compare this to training groups: many can exercise alone, but get better results training with others—because community provides structure, motivation, support and commitment. Similarly, relational training in groups can contribute to better handling of anxiety and depression. Not because the group "fixes you," but because it provides repeated experiences of: - being in contact - tolerating discomfort - being misunderstood and then repairing - expressing needs and boundaries - getting corrective experiences These are skills often missing when life becomes difficult, and they cannot always be fully learned by thinking about them alone. ## The most complicated relationships can yield the greatest growth One of the most challenging aspects of group therapy is that you cannot opt out of people in the same way you can in private life. Relationships arise that irritate, trigger or evoke shame. Precisely for that reason the group can become an arena for growth. If one person is triggered by another, it's tempting to conclude: "The other is the problem." Sometimes that's true. But often it's more complicated. The trigger can also point to a vulnerable spot within oneself: the need to be seen, fear of competition, old experiences of criticism, or an inner expectation of being rejected. In a safe frame we can explore this without turning it into a blame game. It's not about psychologizing away responsibility, but about understanding what is actually happening—and what we can do differently. I have experienced, time and again, that the most demanding relationships often hold the greatest opportunities for development. Not because conflict is good in itself, but because working through conflict can bring more freedom. ## A platform for healing — and a reminder of human beauty Group therapy offers a platform for healing, but also something more: an opportunity to experience the beauty of human connection. I have felt gratitude many times in encounters with groups—for the courage people show, for the honesty that arises when the façade cracks, and for the collective learning that happens when people dare to be real. It's easy to underestimate how much it means to be met by others in a way that is both warm and truthful. For many this is a new experience: that you can say something clumsy, show something painful, or feel shame—and still remain in the community. Ultimately, group belonging is about something fundamental: we are formed in encounter with others. Groups can pull us into harmful patterns, but they can also help us see the patterns, understand them and choose differently. In good groups we can learn to be more authentic, braver and more able both to give and to receive—and often there lies an important part of the path to better mental health. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød talks more about in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the exercise material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).