In the Fight Against Mistrust and Stress Hormones

# In the Fight Against Mistrust and Stress Hormones Mistrust can look like a personality trait: a little skeptical, a little reserved, a bit 'I can manage on my own'. But often mistrust is a psychological and biological pattern that developed for good reasons. It can be the result of early experiences with unpredictable caregiving, conflict, or direct betrayal. The problem arises when what once was protection becomes a life strategy on autopilot — and gradually generates more stress, more loneliness and less psychological freedom. This text is about how mistrust connects to attachment, relationships and the body's stress system. It also covers the counterforces: friendship, safety, oxytocin and the ability to meet new situations with an open mind. ## Mistrust as a relational "map" We humans are born into relationships. From the very beginning we depend on others to survive, and our brain develops in interaction with caregivers. In attachment theory this is described as forming an internal working model: expectations about how other people are, and what happens when we express needs, vulnerability or emotions. If caregivers are reasonably stable and available, the child can gradually develop a basic expectation that: - 'I am worth being responded to.' - 'Others can be trusted.' - 'Discomfort can be regulated together with someone.' If the caregiving environment, on the other hand, is characterized by conflict, rejection, ridicule, criticism or unpredictability, the child may develop an expectation that: - 'I will be rejected if I show need.' - 'Others don't wish me well.' - 'I must manage on my own, or be on guard.' These are not conscious choices. They are adaptations. The psyche does what it must to create a form of safety in an unsafe landscape. ## Attachment styles and adult life patterns Attachment patterns can take different forms. Broadly speaking we can identify three typical strategies (although reality is often more nuanced): 1. **Clinging/overactivation**: Seeking a lot of reassurance, becoming easily anxious about rejection, and experiencing relationships as if they are vital. 2. **Distance/underactivation**: Dampening one's own needs, withdrawing emotionally and becoming 'self-sufficient'. Relationships are kept at arm's length. 3. **Survival mode (high vigilance)**: Expecting threats, reading others' signals as potentially negative, and meeting the world with suspicion. The important thing is not to put yourself in a box, but to understand the logic of the strategy. Often the strategy was learned in an environment where it made sense. Later it can continue to steer life even if the surroundings have changed. ## Survival mode: When the world feels like a competition People who grow up in conflict-filled environments can develop a 'survival mode' view of relationships. Other people are experienced more as competitors than potential friends. In such an inner reality it is rational to be mistrustful. The consequence is that one often: - interprets ambiguous signals negatively (e.g. 'she answered briefly, she doesn't like me') - expects hidden motives - protects oneself through control, criticism, withdrawal or coldness Here it is easy to end up in self-reinforcing circles: mistrust creates distance, distance creates less warmth and more misunderstandings, and that again confirms the mistrust. Not because one is 'difficult', but because one is trying to be safe. ## Karen Horney and basic suspicion Psychologist **Karen Horney** described how childhood betrayals and insecurity can form a deep basic sense that the world cannot be trusted. In some people this is expressed as an attitude of 'against' others: a life marked by struggle, suspicion and a need to be stronger than the environment. Horney's perspective is useful because it points out that mistrust is not just a 'thought', but an existential stance: a way of orienting oneself in life. When this stance becomes dominant, it can stand in the way of genuine closeness. One can be social, functional and resourceful — and at the same time feel alone. ## Milder mistrust: Distance as habit Mistrust does not always show up as hardness or open skepticism. It can also be milder and more hidden: - a feeling that it's not worth sharing anything important - a habit of keeping contact at a 'practical' level - bodily unease when relationships become close - a sense that others don't really understand, or won't try to understand This can lead to a life with a lot of surface contact but little emotional support. Over time it can develop into loneliness — not necessarily a lack of people around you, but a lack of felt belonging. ## Loneliness as biological stress Loneliness is not just a feeling; it can become a physiological state. Our bodies are designed to regulate stress in community. When we experience ourselves as excluded, unsafe or alone with burdens, the stress system can remain more 'on'. This is where stress hormones come in, especially **cortisol**. In acute danger cortisol is useful: it mobilizes energy, sharpens attention and helps us act. But with prolonged social insecurity, cortisol levels can become chronically elevated. Then we are not in a short-term alarm, but in sustained readiness. Long-term stress load is associated with a range of health challenges, and loneliness is highlighted in many studies as a risk factor for both physical and mental ill health. It's not because lonely people are 'weak', but because the body interprets prolonged social disconnection as a form of danger. ## Social disconnection and life conditions Research also suggests that a high degree of loneliness is linked to less satisfactory economic conditions. This can be understood in several ways: - Loneliness can reduce energy, motivation and problem-solving, which in turn affects work and career. - Lack of network can provide fewer opportunities and less social support during demanding periods. - Persistent stress can weaken cognitive capacity, sleep and health, which again affects functioning. The point is not to make loneliness a moral explanation for economic status, but to make visible how deeply relationships reach into our lives. Attachment and community are not decoration. They are infrastructure. ## Oxytocin: the body's antidote to alarm Where cortisol is closely linked to alarm readiness, **oxytocin** is often associated with attachment, calm and social safety. It's sometimes called 'the love hormone', but it's more accurate to say oxytocin is part of the body's system for: - social bonding - trust and safety - dampening the stress response Oxytocin can be released through warm relational experiences: closeness, support, touch, safe conversation, and the experience of mattering to someone. And importantly: it doesn't need to be dramatic or perfect. Often it's the small actions that count. ### Small actions that build safety A friendly look, a simple 'how are you — really?', an invitation, a message that shows you remember someone, or a moment of genuine presence can be enough to activate the body's safety system. Such micro-situations may seem trivial, but for a nervous system used to suspicion they can be corrective experiences: small proofs that contact can be safe. ## Autopilot and the loss of psychological freedom A recurring feature of patterns that maintain mistrust is that they feel necessary. One reacts before one has time to choose. This is what I would call autopilot: old coping strategies that kick in to create safety. If your upbringing was a place where you could expect rejection, blame or ridicule, it is understandable that you later enter new relationships with a 'background' of expected rejection. Then it's easy to overinterpret, withdraw or attack first. The problem is that autopilot is rarely fine-tuned for the present. It protects us from yesterday's pain, but can at the same time shut us out from today's opportunities. ### 'Losing oneself' When I use the expression 'losing yourself', I don't mean that you are broken or empty. I mean that you stop meeting new situations with openness, and instead react from old experiences. A gap forms between who you could be in this moment, and who you automatically become to feel safe. ## Mental health: From survival to self-realization There is an important contrast between survival mode and psychological health. In survival mode the driving force is often: - avoiding rejection - avoiding being exploited - avoiding feeling small - preserving control In psychological health the drive is more about: - expressing talents and abilities as fully as possible - doing your best in areas that truly matter - creating and maintaining close relationships - loving others in increasingly deep ways - experiencing yourself as an agent in your own life This is not a glossy picture of a problem-free life. Psychological health is not about never being triggered, never being afraid or never being skeptical. It's about reactions not ruling us blindly. That we have room to choose. ## Relational aftershocks: The past into the present Negative experiences from the past can settle as a filter in the present. Even in safe relationships old expectations can create friction: - The other person is interpreted as more rejecting than they are. - You test loyalty without being aware of it. - You withdraw when you actually need support. - You become harsh when what you really are is afraid. This is the paradox of relationships: We long for safety, but our protection strategies can make safety harder to obtain. ## Building trust with openness and empathy Trust is rarely a leap. Most often it is a series of small, repeated experiences that contact is possible. Navigating relationships with openness and empathy does not mean being naive. It means holding two truths at once: 1. Some people are actually unsafe, and boundaries are important. 2. Many people are better than your nervous system expects. Empathy here also means understanding yourself: 'What am I protecting myself from now?' That question can open a space between impulse and action. ## Friendship and attachment as counterforces Friendship and attachment stand as an antidote to isolation. Not because friends remove all problems, but because they: - regulate stress - provide belonging - expand perspective - give us a sense of value For a person with a lot of mistrust this can feel unfamiliar, even threatening. Therefore change often has to happen gradually. The goal is not to become 'completely trusting', but to develop the ability to assess new people and situations more accurately — without past betrayals automatically writing the script. ## A person is never completely independent We are always, to some degree, dependent on others. Whether we cling to the closest ones, live as if life is a competition, or withdraw and become psychologically self-sufficient, we are still shaped by relationships — and affected by how safety and insecurity were experienced. Psychological freedom is not about becoming independent of people. It's about becoming less trapped by autopilot. Being able to choose contact when contact is wise. Being able to set boundaries when boundaries are necessary. Being able to let go of combat readiness when the world is no longer a battlefield. Mistrust can be understood as an old solution. It may have helped you stand upright once. But if it also creates loneliness, stress and a life on alert, it's worth asking: What would happen if safety could be built in new ways? For many, this is precisely where change begins — in a more accurate view of oneself, in a gradual opening toward others, and in the experience that the body can learn to be calm again. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice materials at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).