I Have the Right to Exist

# I Have the Right to Exist Self-esteem is a concept many people have a strong relationship with, and yet it can be hard to get a proper grip on. Some use it as an explanation for why life feels heavy: 'I have low self-esteem.' Others talk about self-esteem as a kind of inner armor: a stable foundation that helps you tolerate rejection, uncertainty and mistakes without collapsing. For me, self-esteem primarily points to the subjective experience of being allowed to exist — and being able to take up space in your own life. A simple but revealing question can be: Can you say the sentence out loud, and mean it, without a subtle discomfort? **I have the right to exist.** If that sentence lands in your body as a lump in your throat, a tightness in your chest or an inner protest, it can say something important about how you carry yourself in the world. Not as a judgement, but as an invitation to understand what stands in the way. This text clarifies the concepts and systematically goes through central building blocks of healthy self-esteem. I base this on Nathaniel Branden's model with six pillars of self-esteem, and connect it to a more fundamental proposal from Vilde Vollestad: that good self-esteem at its core is about contact with your own feelings — and the courage to share them. ## Confidence and self-esteem: a useful distinction, but not a watertight one It's common to distinguish between **self-esteem** and **self-confidence**: - **Self-esteem** is about experiencing yourself as valuable, independent of performance. - **Self-confidence** is about trust in your own abilities in specific situations or areas. This distinction can be useful. It reminds us that human worth should not be conditional on achievement. At the same time, the distinction is probably not so sharp in practice. Mastery — contributing, achieving, noticing that you have influence — is often a central ingredient in how we experience ourselves. Succeeding at something does not mean you *deserve* to exist, but it can strengthen the sense that you *can* be in the world in an active and meaningful way. Therefore I prefer a more functional concept of self-esteem: self-esteem as the holistic experience of who you are, what you can tolerate, what you dare, and whether you can meet the world with your gaze outward. Questions that often reveal the quality of self-esteem might sound like this: - Do you dare to step forward in the presence of others? - Do you dare to pursue what interests you? - Can you be yourself, even when it costs you? - Do you feel that you have a basic right to be here? Self-esteem is not about being arrogant. It's about being **able to stand in your own life**. ## Six pillars in the architecture of self-esteem (Nathaniel Branden) Nathaniel Branden is particularly known for describing self-esteem as a structure with six supporting pillars. His model is practical because it makes a large and diffuse concept more concrete: you can examine which pillars are strong and which need repair. Branden's six pillars are: 1. Living consciously 2. Self-acceptance 3. Responsibility 4. Self-assertiveness 5. Integrity 6. Purposefulness I go through them one by one, with emphasis on the psychological function they serve. ## 1) Living consciously: contact with facts, interpretations and feelings Living consciously is about being alertly present in your own life. It involves a willingness to see: - **Facts:** What is actually happening? - **Interpretations:** What meaning do I give to what is happening? - **Feelings:** What do I feel in response to this? Many of us live with a kind of inner fog. We register that we are hurting, but we don't investigate what it's about. Or we live on autopilot: habits steer the days, and we end up feeling like life is 'happening to us'. Living consciously is the opposite of relating passively to yourself. It also requires that we dare to question our own patterns: - Why am I doing this again? - What am I avoiding? - What price am I paying for not checking in with myself? Branden points out that we can fall into a form of 'laziness' — not necessarily physical, but mental and emotional: an unwillingness to examine our motives and live with clarity. When we don't live consciously, self-esteem often becomes more vulnerable because we lose contact with what is actually happening inside us. A robust self-esteem needs honesty. Not brutal self-criticism, but precise self-contact. ## 2) Self-acceptance: making peace with the facts about yourself Self-acceptance is often misunderstood. Some think it means saying: 'This is just how I am,' and therefore avoiding responsibility. Others think self-acceptance means justifying unethical or harmful behavior. That's not what it's about. Self-acceptance means acknowledging what is true about you — in a way that makes growth possible. That can involve: - accepting that you were actually jealous - accepting that you were cowardly - accepting that you need more closeness than you like to admit - accepting that you struggle with shame Self-acceptance is not an acquittal. It's a starting point. If you cannot say 'this is true about me right now,' you often remain in an inner war: you use energy denying, repressing or sugarcoating reality. That energy could otherwise go toward change. An important point here is that self-acceptance also means learning from experiences without punishing yourself. Punishment rarely creates maturation; it more often creates hiding and more shame. ## 3) Responsibility: owning your influence Responsibility can provoke resistance, especially in people who already feel too responsible. But Branden doesn't talk about guilt. He talks about **agency**: the experience that you can influence your life. Responsibility in this context means: - seeing that your choices matter - acknowledging that you can adjust course - stopping waiting for others to 'fix' you It doesn't mean that everything is your responsibility. We are shaped by relationships, upbringing, trauma, chance, society and biology. But if we become completely stuck in everything outside our control, self-esteem can collapse into helplessness. Responsibility is a kind of psychological grip on the wheel: You can't control everything that happens on the road, but you can control how you relate to it and what actions you take from here. ## 4) Self-assertiveness: taking space as who you are Self-assertiveness is about standing up for yourself and being authentic. For many, this is one of the most demanding pillars, because self-assertion is often triggered by shame and fear: - 'What if I'm rejected?' - 'What if I come across as demanding?' - 'What if I take up too much space?' Self-assertiveness is not about domination. It's about being able to express: - opinions - needs - boundaries - feelings ... in an honest and dignified way. A person can appear 'kind' outwardly but be insecure inwardly, because they never say what they actually mean. Over time, this can create a sense of not fully existing — as if one is a function for others rather than a self. Self-assertiveness is also tied to identity: daring to step forward as a subject, not just as a mirror of others' expectations. ## 5) Integrity: alignment between values, words and actions Integrity is a quiet but powerful source of self-respect. It arises when there is alignment between: - what you say you stand for - what you actually do - what you deeply know is right for you When we repeatedly act against our own values, inner friction often arises. That friction can feel like restlessness, self-loathing or a vague sense of being 'fake'. Over time, this can erode self-esteem. Integrity doesn't mean you always do the perfect thing. It means you take values seriously and are willing to look yourself in the eye. If you have violated your own values, integrity can also involve repairing: - saying sorry - making amends - admitting - choosing differently next time This is often where self-esteem begins to stabilize: not by appearing flawless, but by living in a way that aligns with what you actually believe in. ## 6) Purposefulness: direction, meaning and psychological progress Purposefulness is about having a sense of direction in life. It does not need to be grand ambitions, but it involves that you: - have something you want to move toward - make choices that are coherent - build a life with meaning, step by step Without purposefulness it's easy to drift. Then the everyday can fill with short-term strategies to numb discomfort, while life as a whole loses shape. Purposefulness often provides a sense of coherence, and for many it brings more security: 'I know what I'm doing and why.' This can also strengthen what we often call self-confidence, because you gain experiences of carrying things through, tolerating resistance and adjusting your plans. In this way, purposefulness becomes a bridge between inner worth and outer action: You don't just exist — you live. ## Two basic principles: contact with feelings and the courage to share them (Vilde Vollestad) Branden's model is rich and nuanced, but there is also a more condensed way to describe the core of good self-esteem. Psychologist Vilde Vollestad highlights two fundamental principles: 1. **Being in contact with your own feelings** 2. **Daring to share them with others** This is striking because it links self-esteem directly to emotional availability and relational openness. Many people struggle not primarily because they 'lack self-esteem' as an abstract entity, but because they have lost contact with what they actually feel. Or because they have learned that feelings cause problems in relationships and therefore must be hidden. Feeling is one thing. Daring to share is another. Because in sharing there is a risk: you can be misunderstood, rejected or met clumsily. At the same time, it is often precisely in this space that self-esteem gets nourished: when you show something true and experience that it can be held. ## Honesty with oneself as the core: from shame to belonging Robust self-esteem is largely about **sincerity** — being honest with yourself about what is going on inside. This is often where shame comes into play. Shame is not just about 'I did something stupid,' but about a more fundamental experience of: 'There is something wrong with me.' Shame can make us withdraw, shrink, or try to perform our way to safety. It can also make us seek belonging by adapting so much that we lose ourselves. In such a landscape the sentence 'I have the right to exist' becomes more than a nice idea. It becomes a psychological counterweight to the logic of shame. Building self-esteem is then not about convincing yourself that you are fantastic. It's about developing the capacity to: - tolerate your own feelings - see yourself clearly - take responsibility without crushing yourself - express yourself without disappearing - live with integrity - move in a direction that gives meaning ## A practical way to use the pillars If you want to make this concrete, you can use the pillars as a map. Ask yourself: - **Consciousness:** What do I avoid seeing or feeling? - **Self-acceptance:** Which parts of me am I trying to punish or hide? - **Responsibility:** Where do I have more influence than I admit? - **Self-assertiveness:** What am I holding back that I actually need to say? - **Integrity:** Where am I living out of line with my values? - **Purposefulness:** What do I practically want to move toward in the time to come? Notice that this is not a checklist to 'become perfect.' It is a language for understanding where your self-esteem leaks energy. ## Final reflection Self-esteem is not a jewel you either have or don't have. It is a living relationship to yourself — and to the life around you. That relationship can be strengthened. The sentence 'I have the right to exist' can function as a compass. If it tightens in you when you say it, that is not proof that you have no value. It is a signal that something in you needs more contact, more acceptance, more integrity or more courage. The goal is not to become immune to pain or doubt. The goal is to be steady enough to live consciously, express yourself truthfully, and participate in the world with your gaze turned outward — as who you are. --- **Would you like to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).