(Lack of) Empathy

# (Lack of) Empathy Empathy is one of the most valuable human capacities we have. It enables us to perceive, understand, and take into account each other’s inner lives. At the same time, empathy is more complex than many think: it can be warm and caring, but also strategic and "cold" — and in some relationships it can even be used as a tool for control. In clinical practice and in close relationships I often see how empathy becomes a turning point: either as a force that builds bridges between people, or as a vulnerability that can be exploited. The tension between empathy and narcissism is particularly demanding. It is not just about ‘nice’ people versus ‘difficult’ people, but about psychological patterns that can distort experience of reality, responsibility, and blame. This text explores how empathy works, how it can distort us (and be distorted), and how narcissistic traits can create an "empathy game" that drains others of energy, self-confidence, and emotional footing. ## Empathy: more than compassion Empathy is often used as a synonym for compassion, but psychologically it is useful to distinguish between different forms: - **Cognitive empathy**: The ability to understand what another person thinks and feels. It is the 'mentalizing' part — to be able to read situations, facial expressions, context, and motive. - **Emotional (affective) empathy**: The ability to feel with the other. You are moved; you resonate emotionally. Many people have a combination of these. But some can be strong in cognitive empathy without having much emotional empathy. They can understand you precisely, but without it evoking caring. In close relationships this can become a source of insecurity: you feel 'seen' but not cared for. It is also important to remember that empathy does not automatically make us wise. Empathetic people can overestimate their role, take too much responsibility, and tolerate more than they should. Especially if they are conscientious, self-critical, and focused on being fair. ## Emotional intelligence as relational protection Emotional intelligence is largely about self-awareness and regulation. Emotionally intelligent people: - notice their own reactions - can tolerate discomfort without shifting it onto others - take responsibility for mistakes and try to make amends - can see a conflict from multiple perspectives In a healthy conflict, two emotionally intelligent parties will often be able to move from positions to understanding: 'What happened in you? What happened in me? What can we learn?' But this dynamic can collapse if one party has strong narcissistic traits. Then the conflict's 'moral accounting' is often turned on its head. ## Narcissism and empathy: a difficult encounter Narcissism can be understood as a pattern where the self-image must be protected at all costs. In its severe form — as seen in narcissistic personality disorder — this can lead to: - strong vulnerability to shame - a need for control and dominance - a tendency to shift blame and responsibility onto others - problems with genuine, caring empathy It is important to be precise here: people with narcissistic traits can appear warm, charming, and charismatic. They can be socially intelligent and able to 'read the room' well. But that does not necessarily mean they have stable emotional empathy. Sometimes the empathy is more instrumental: it is used to navigate, win, appear correct — and at worst, to manipulate. Everything we think and feel can at times be distorted by neuroses and defenses. That applies to all of us. But in relationships marked by narcissism, the distortion can become systematic and relationally destructive. One partner's need to be flawless, superior, or invulnerable causes the other to gradually lose contact with their own judgment. ## The narcissistic empathy game (Mia Tufte) Neuropsychologist **Mia Tufte** describes something she calls a narcissistic 'empathy game'. The point is not that empathy disappears completely, but that it is used in a way that creates power. In such a game other people's feelings become pieces on a board. Your reactions become information: What triggers you? What makes you feel unsafe? What do you long for? What do you feel ashamed of? When a person has high cognitive empathy, this information can provide a precise map of how you can be influenced. ### Manipulative techniques: gaslighting and triangulation Two strategies often recur in such patterns: - **Gaslighting**: You are gradually led to doubt your own experience. What happened 'didn't', or it 'wasn't like that', or you are 'too sensitive'. The consequence is that you lose trust in your own senses and boundaries. - **Triangulation**: A third person (real or implied) is brought in to create uncertainty, jealousy, or competition. It can be an ex, a colleague, a family member, or 'someone who understands me better than you'. The goal is often to weaken your position and increase control. These are not ordinary disagreements. They are relational moves that shift the power balance. ## 'The wheel of fortune': the narcissist sets the rules A metaphor that often resonates is the idea of a 'wheel of fortune' in the relationship. The narcissistic partner spins the wheel, and the other must relate to the outcome: - In one period you receive warmth, interest, intense closeness. - In the next period comes coldness, criticism, distance, or punishment. What is most exhausting is not necessarily single events, but the unpredictability. You begin to adapt. You look for patterns. You try to be 'right' to get the closeness back. Over time this can create a trauma-like bond: a person can become deeply attached to the very one who also causes pain, because reward and rejection come in an irregular pattern. This is one reason it can feel so hard to break away. ## Why empathetic people are often hit hardest People with a lot of empathy often have a particular strength: they try to understand. They search for meaning, context, and reasons. This is fundamentally a mature and relationship-building trait. When faced with manipulative patterns the same strength can become a vulnerability: - You try to see your own role first. - You assume misunderstandings are communication problems. - You think that if you just explain better, things will calm down. - You give more chances than you would advise a friend to give. If you are also self-aware and conscientious, you can end up carrying all the blame in the relationship. The narcissist will often place responsibility on you — even when the mistake lies with them. And the empathetic partner can start to believe it. Over time this can lead to a painful self-dissolution: you lose contact with what you really feel, what you think, what you tolerate, and where your boundaries lie. ## Doubting yourself: 'Like being in a room with the lights off' Many describe a particular form of confusion after prolonged exposure to gaslighting, blame-shifting, and unpredictability. A fitting description is that it can feel 'like being in a room with the lights off'. You know there are things there, but you do not see them clearly. In practice this can look like: - You feel discomfort but cannot justify it. - You notice something is wrong, but are convinced you are overreacting. - You begin to think you 'deserve' to be treated poorly. In a couple relationship this can become deeply destructive. You can lose faith in your own judgment and become increasingly dependent on the other partner's definition of reality. It is a form of psychological erosion that often takes time to detect precisely because it happens gradually. ## Charm and charisma: the gateway to control It is easy to assume that destructive relationships always start with clear red flags. Often they do not. Many people with narcissistic traits can at the beginning appear: - unusually attentive - interesting and confident - purposeful and 'strong' - socially competent This can be deeply attractive, especially to people who value closeness and emotional contact. The problem arises when the warmth is conditional: you receive it as long as you play your role, confirm, adapt, or allow yourself to be controlled. Empathetic people can also be attractive 'targets' because they tend to try to repair, understand, and keep the relationship going — even when it becomes skewed. ## A public example: Donald Trump and children Public figures are often used as illustrations because their behavior is visible to many. Donald Trump has in various contexts been brought up as an example of how narcissistic traits can manifest in practice, also in situations involving children. The point with such examples is not to make a remote diagnosis, but to make a pattern visible: a person can appear confident, dominant, and seemingly socially skilled, while it is difficult to spot genuine attunement to others' emotional needs. There can be a lot of staging and little emotional resonance. ## Social media and technology: fuel for narcissism, challenge for empathy The modern digital landscape affects how we relate to one another. Social media can amplify narcissistic tendencies by rewarding: - attention - image - status markers - quick reactions and polarization At the same time technology can give a false sense of connection. We can have a lot of contact but little closeness. We can get many 'signals' that we are seen, but without the depth that develops emotional empathy. Over time this can weaken the ability to sit with complex feelings alongside others. Empathy requires time, friction, nuance, and willingness to tolerate the uncomfortable. Many digital platforms are designed for the opposite: speed, simplification, and immediate reward. ## Relationships that can withstand truth Good relationships are not characterized by the absence of conflict, but by the ability to repair. Repair requires two things: 1. **Self-awareness**: being able to see your own role. 2. **Attunement**: being able to understand what the other experienced. Emotionally intelligent people will often be able to say: 'This is what I did. It wasn't good. I understand that it affected you. What do you need now?' In relationships marked by narcissistic dynamics this kind of repair is often missing. Instead comes: - excuses - blame-shifting - punishment (coldness, silence, contempt) - rewriting of the story The great danger is that the empathetic partner compensates: you take more responsibility, become more cautious, and try harder. Then you can slowly slide into a role where you carry the relationship alone. ## Social intelligence as a compass Being socially intelligent is not only about understanding others, but also about understanding dynamics: Who takes responsibility? Who tolerates disagreement? Who tolerates that you have boundaries? Who tolerates that you are your own person? An important distinction is between: - **Empathy as connection** (I meet you as a person) - **Empathy as strategy** (I read you to steer you) In healthy relationships empathy becomes a shared language that creates security. In destructive relationships 'empathy' can become a tool to control, confuse, or bind. ## Concluding reflection Empathy is a foundation in close relationships, but it works best together with self-respect, clear boundaries, and orientation to reality. It is not a sign of love to tolerate everything. Nor is it a sign of maturity to take all the blame, especially in relationships where responsibility is systematically skewed. Understanding narcissism and manipulative patterns like gaslighting and triangulation can give a language to experiences that otherwise only feel confusing. And perhaps that is often what is needed: light in the room. Not to demonize people, but to restore orientation, dignity, and a more realistic picture of what is happening in the relationship. Robust relationships are built by two people who can tolerate both truth and vulnerability — and who use empathy to connect, not to win. --- **Want to delve deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød talks more about in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material on [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).