When the 'Normal' Is Harmful to Health

# When the 'Normal' Is Harmful to Health The word *normal* sounds reassuring. Normal pulse, normal weight, normal development, normal functioning. Yet what is "normal" in a modern society can be exactly what makes us ill — both mentally and physically. If normality is defined by how the majority live, and the majority live under persistent time pressure, performance demands, social comparison and constant availability, it may not be surprising that normality can also contain a high level of stress. Canadian physician Gabor Maté has for decades challenged the way we in the West understand health and illness. With more than 40 years of clinical experience, he argues that the dominant medical model is often too narrow: it looks for defects in the body or brain but too often overlooks how life experiences, trauma, chronic stress and social context shape our biology. In the book *The Myth of Normal* (written with Daniel Maté) he argues that many of today's ailments — both mental and somatic — are not primarily expressions of individual "weakness" or random bad luck, but of a cultural and relational reality that puts human needs under pressure. This does not mean that modern medicine does not work, or that medical advances are unimportant. Rather, the point is that we need a *broader* perspective: an understanding of health that includes the nervous system, attachment, emotional life, stress physiology, meaning — and the demands society places on us. ## Normality as a yardstick — and a trap In health contexts, normality is often used as a statistical category: what is common becomes the norm. But if what is common is also harmful to health, we should be cautious about using "normal" as a synonym for "healthy." A telling backdrop is the population health trends. In the U.S., around sixty percent of adults have a chronic condition. In Europe, mental disorders have become one of the largest health challenges. We also see worrying increases in suicide attempts among children, and a disproportionate rise in autoimmune diseases among women. Of course there are many causes for this: diagnostic changes, better registration, lifespan, environmental factors, lifestyle and genetics. But when so many struggle, it is reasonable to ask: What is it about our everyday life that produces this? How did such a burden become the new normal? Maté's core claim is simple, but demanding to accept: We have created a culture that too often rewards disconnection from our bodies, emotions and needs. It becomes "normal" to push through, toughen up, deliver more, smile politely and function — even when the system is already in the red. ## Culture's stress: A nervous system that never gets to rest The body is not designed for constant alarm. The stress response — fight, flight or freeze — is fundamentally a short-term survival mechanism. It should help us in acute situations and then switch off when the danger has passed. In modern life the danger is rarely physical, but it is often social and psychological: fear of failing, of not being good enough, of falling behind, of being judged, of being excluded. Chronic stress is therefore not just about many tasks, but about a persistent inner pressure that settles into the nervous system. From a psychological perspective this can be understood through several lenses: - **Stress–vulnerability model**: Load (stressors) interacts with vulnerabilities, and over time increases the risk of symptoms and illness. - **Allostatic load**: The body can adapt to stress for a while, but the "wear and tear" on the system increases when stress becomes prolonged. - **Polyvagal theory (Stephen Porges)**: The experience of safety or threat governs the autonomic nervous system and therefore capacity for connection, learning and self-regulation. Maté points out that many people live with a nervous system that in practice rarely lands in safety. This can produce psychological symptoms like anxiety, restlessness, low mood and addictive behaviors, but also somatic complaints — because the immune system, hormonal system and inflammatory processes are affected by stress over time. ## Trauma: Not only what happened, but what was missing A central point for Maté is that trauma must be understood broadly. Trauma is not necessarily dramatic events, but can just as well be persistent relational strains, emotional neglect or lack of secure attachment. In other words: trauma can arise both from what *happened* and from what *didn't happen* — such as comfort, mirroring, protection and emotional availability. Attachment theory (Bowlby and later developers) is relevant here: Children are biologically programmed to seek proximity to caregivers. Attachment is not a luxury, but a survival need. At the same time a child has another fundamental need: to develop a true self, an authentic contact with their own feelings, impulses and preferences. When these needs collide — when the child experiences that they must adapt to maintain love and closeness — attachment will often win. The child chooses relationship over authenticity because the relationship is vital. This can be the beginning of a life pattern: being "nice," "easy," "good," "not a bother," "always positive," "always useful." Outwardly one functions. Inwardly one learns that one's own needs and boundaries are dangerous or irrelevant. ## "Nice" people and a body that speaks up Maté is known for drawing a clear line between certain personality traits and risk for illness, especially autoimmune conditions. He describes a pattern in which some people — often highly adaptable, dutiful and caring — tend to override their own needs to preserve harmony and attachment. This is not about being "nice" being dangerous per se. It's about the cost of being nice at the expense of oneself. In clinical practice I often see how people struggling with stress-related disorders also have difficulty with: - sensing what they actually feel - expressing anger or disagreement safely - setting boundaries without guilt - prioritizing recovery without shame If the body lives over time in a state of suppressed activation — where irritation, sorrow, disappointment and needs are pushed down — symptoms can become a kind of alternative communication. Not because the body "punishes" us, but because the system tries to adapt to a way of life that is not sustainable. An important psychological distinction here is between regulating emotions and suppressing them. Regulation is about holding and processing; suppression is about rejecting and denying. Suppression can work short-term, but is often costly in the long run. ## Addiction as adaptation, not moral failure Another area Maté has been clear about is the understanding of addiction. He invites us to ask: What does the addiction do for the person? What function does it serve? What pain does it numb? What emptiness does it fill? Addiction can be understood as a strategy for self-regulation when other tools are missing. This can apply to everything from substances to food, exercise, work, gaming, pornography, social media or relationships characterized by intensity and insecurity. Viewed through a trauma and attachment lens, this is often not a question of willpower but of the nervous system's need for relief. Many forms of addiction provide a temporary reprieve from inner unrest, self-criticism or emotional pain. The problem is that the reprieve becomes shorter and the bill larger. Approaching addiction as a human adaptation opens the door to more precise help: not just "stop the behavior," but build a life where the behavior is no longer necessary for emotional survival. ## School and work: Systems that easily overlook emotional needs Maté refers to culture as "toxic" in the sense that it normalizes disconnection, competition and instrumental valuation of people. When children and young people are shaped in systems where performance and goal achievement often trump emotional maturation, the price can be high. If children's basic needs for safety, play, belonging and emotional support are not met, it can leave traces: - increased stress levels and vulnerability - harder access to feelings and needs - more shame, more self-criticism - greater risk of mental health issues and somatization It is important to emphasize: most parents do the best they can. The point is not to place blame, but to see how living conditions affect caregiving capacity. A society with high pace, economic pressure and little recovery also creates stressed parents, stressed teachers and stressed children. ## The Western medical model — and the need for wholeness Maté does not criticize medicine's advances, but the limitation of a model that easily becomes symptom-focused and fragmented. When body and mind are split too harshly, important connections can disappear: - How does long-term stress affect inflammation and immune response? - How does early attachment disruption affect the capacity for self-regulation? - How do shame and self-criticism influence the body's preparedness systems? A holistic approach does not mean "everything is in the mind." It means that body and mind are two expressions of the same system — and that the person always lives in a context. ## Authenticity and attachment: A balance that protects health One of the most valuable contributions in *The Myth of Normal* is the emphasis on the tension between two basic needs: 1. **Attachment** – the need to belong, to be loved, to be in contact. 2. **Authenticity** – the need to be true, to express feelings, to have boundaries and needs. Many of us learn early that attachment is conditional: "I get love when I am good, calm, nice, strong, easy." Then authenticity can be sacrificed little by little. Living more authentically rarely involves large, dramatic breaks. It often involves small adjustments: - noticing what you actually feel in your body - taking the feeling seriously without letting it control everything - saying more honest yeses and nos - tolerating that others get disappointed without it meaning rejection - allowing yourself to need support Authenticity is not selfishness. It is a form of inner integrity. Over time it can reduce stress, because the system no longer needs to expend so much energy keeping things down and maintaining a facade. ## What could be a "healthy normal"? If we take Maté's perspective seriously, an important question becomes: What kind of normality would be health-promoting? Perhaps a normality in which: - rest and recovery are as legitimate as effort - emotions are seen as information, not disturbances - relationships are prioritized as health factors, not rewards - children are given room to be whole people, not projects - work is organized with human sustainability at the center These are large societal issues. At the same time change often begins in the close: in how we relate to our own needs and boundaries, and how we meet others with fewer demands to "function" and more space to be. ## Concluding reflection It can be a brutal insight to see that what we have called normal may in practice be a recipe for overload. But it is also a hopeful insight. For if much of our ill health is linked to context, relationships and stress — then there are more entry points to improvement than just "fixing the individual." Gabor Maté's project in *The Myth of Normal* is essentially an invitation to see the person more truthfully: as a biological, psychological and relational being who needs safety, meaning, belonging and authentic self-contact. Normality should not be what we simply adapt to. Normality should be something that can withstand the body's and mind's long-term accounting. If not, perhaps it is time to call the normal by another name: a burden we've learned to live with — but that we are not necessarily built for. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød talks more about in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).