When the Past Governs the Present

# When the Past Governs the Present Our history never fully leaves us. What we experience early in life leaves marks—some visible, others deep and unseen—but all of them influence how we think, feel, and act today. Many discover that feelings like insecurity, shame, or unease are not always connected to what is actually happening here and now, but to old, resonant experiences from the past. These experiences live on inside us and blend into today’s challenges, decisions, and experiences. Understanding how the past colors the present gives us an opportunity to free ourselves from old restraints and face life in a more open, curious, and mature way. ## Memories and Mental Schemas: The Framework of the Psyche To understand why the past has such an influence, we need to look at how experiences are stored and organized in the mind. In psychology, the term **schemas** is often used to describe mental structures that set the framework for how we perceive and interpret new situations. These schemas are formed early—often in childhood—and are the result of our relationships, upbringing, and the way we have been emotionally met. Schemas act like glasses through which we see the world. If, for example, you experienced a lot of criticism early in life, you might develop an inner schema that interprets others’ feedback as dangerous or threatening—even when it is meant kindly. In this way, old experiences can guide our thoughts and feelings, often without us being aware of it. These schemas also shape our expectations for the future. Many recognize how anxiety about future events is built on notions such as "it will probably go wrong" or "I’ll surely be exposed as a fraud." Such thoughts rarely come from neutral assessments of a situation, but spring from old interpretations, stored deep in the psyche. ## Worries—Real and Imagined We humans are remarkably good at handling real crises. When serious events occur, we often step up, find solutions, and manage what needs to be addressed in the here and now. Yet we spend significant energy worrying about ‘crises’ that exist only in the realm of imagination. These imagined catastrophes, allowed to grow through schemas built on old traumatic or difficult experiences, can drain us of energy and resilience. Imagination has no limits, and worries run rampant when not challenged by real information from the world. This is why the past, through schemas, holds such power: We don’t evaluate situations objectively, but filter everything through old experiences that may no longer be relevant. In doing so, we can end up protecting ourselves from threats that ceased to exist long ago. ## The Importance—and Complexity—of Chronology Many people walk around in a tense present, where past experiences—both good and bad—actively intervene in what’s happening right now. Old feelings can be mistaken for new ones, and we might end up living more in the shadow of the past than in actual reality. One of the most important steps toward change is sorting experiences chronologically so that old wounds don’t govern present choices. Research and therapeutic methods such as *cognitive therapy* and *schema therapy* (see, e.g., the works of Jeffrey E. Young) show how crucial it is to discover which schemas have been dominant. When we understand how old experiences color the present, we can begin to relate to what’s happening more freely and gradually build new, more useful beliefs about ourselves and others. ## Modes: The Child, The Parent, and The Adult A central insight from *transactional analysis* (Eric Berne) and more recent therapeutic approaches is that we switch between different “modes” within us—ways of relating to ourselves and the world. These modes are based precisely on old experiences and schemas: - **Child mode** is the part of us that feels helpless, anxious, or playful—depending on the experiences we carry from childhood. If the child in us was overruled, criticized, or ignored, we may approach the world with fear or submission, rather than curiosity and courage. - **Parent mode** is often characterized by inner critics: inner voices saying "you’re not good enough," "pull yourself together," "don’t do that." This mode mimics the attitudes of adults from our upbringing, whether they came from parents, teachers, or other authority figures. - **Adult mode** is what we want to strengthen. Here, we engage with life with an open, rational, and curious outlook. In adult mode, we respond to ourselves and others based on what’s actually happening, instead of carrying rigid attitudes from the past. The transitions between these modes often happen automatically. Under pressure, stress, or discomfort, we can suddenly fall into child mode, where we feel small and powerless. Or we might meet ourselves with a harsh, judgmental parent mode—quick to point out faults but unable to meet our own feelings with warmth. Often, we believe this self-criticism is a sign of self-reflection, but it is more an echo of old rules and prohibitions. ## How the Past Shapes Daily Life and Choices The voices of the past can express themselves in all kinds of everyday situations. Some may recognize the exhausting feeling that "everything I say is wrong," or the impulse to hide parts of themselves to fit in. This may be driven by old schemas that have shaped our identity, and by how the parent mode operates within us as an inner censor: No matter what we do, it never feels good enough in our own eyes. Child mode can be activated when we give in to anxiety or adapt to others’ expectations at the expense of our own needs and boundaries. Many experience that standing up for their own opinions, wishes, and needs triggers disproportionate anxiety—which in turn leads to withdrawal, passivity, or self-sacrifice. A simple daily example could be how we dress. Maybe you feel internal pressure to dress "properly" to avoid attracting attention—a pattern actually shaped by experiences in the schoolyard or at home, where being different was punished. Or maybe you always say “yes” to extra work, because deep down you fear not being good enough. These small but pervasive behaviors in daily life are governed by norms from the past, not by deliberate reflection on your present needs. ## The Road to Greater Freedom—Strengthening the Adult Mode Change begins with awareness. When we learn to recognize the child and parent modes within ourselves, we can begin to inhabit the adult mode with greater intent and strength. This doesn’t mean denying feelings or pretending the past is gone, but meeting ourselves with more openness, curiosity, and warmth—just as we would with a friendly child or a good friend. The adult mode is marked by curious exploration of what actually triggers thoughts and feelings. Instead of automatically believing the inner critic, we can ask: "Is this actually true? Where does this thought come from?" In this way, we open up the possibility to break old, automatic patterns and respond to life in a more flexible and constructive way. Central to this process is meeting ourselves with understanding and compassion, rather than judgment and rejection. As therapeutic approaches like *mindfulness* and *self-compassion* (see, for example, Kristin Neff and Germer) emphasize, it is about being able to observe our own thoughts and feelings without falling into old habits of stress and unrest. ## Becoming Your Own Authority in Your Life To strengthen the adult mode is to acknowledge that we can be our own safe adult—the parent we may have missed or the support we didn’t receive as children. This mode enables us to calm old fears and challenge inner critics, giving us the strength to be active participants in our own lives rather than passive pieces. Many experience that this takes time and requires patience. Changing deep-seated schemas and patterns is hard work, but not impossible. With systematic effort over time—through reflection, therapy, mindfulness, and open exploration—we can gradually replace old truths and rigid rules with new, more flexible and caring frameworks of interpretation. ## Conclusion: From the Shadow of the Past to the Possibilities of the Present No one can provide a completely blank slate. Our experiences—those that gave us strength and those that hurt us—will always be part of us. Yet, we are not lost in old patterns; we can develop, change our perspective, and strengthen the part of ourselves that is free to face life here and now. Becoming aware of how the past influences the present gives us the key to act less on autopilot and more in line with our own values, wishes, and dreams. At its core, this is about befriending yourself, allowing both the past and present to have a place. That way, we can enter the future with greater freedom, courage, and calm. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses at length in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).