When the Body Says No

# When the Body Says No How we relate to emotions and boundaries can leave deep marks on the body. Both research and clinical experience suggest that psychological stress, neglect, and trauma not only impact our minds—they can also affect the immune system and manifest as physical illnesses. In this article, drawing on the book *When the Body Says No* by Gabor Maté, I will explore how childhood experiences and emotional management shape our physical health, often without us being aware of it. ## Stress – More Than Just a Psychological Phenomenon Stress has received significant attention in recent years, but we often associate it only with feelings of busyness, restlessness, or the pressure of time. The truth is that stress has biological consequences. When we are exposed to serious or continuous strain over time, the body’s biochemistry is directly affected: cortisol levels rise, the immune system weakens, and the body becomes more vulnerable to illness. Research shows that various illnesses, such as autoimmune disorders, cancer, and chronic fatigue syndrome, occur more frequently among people who carry unresolved emotions or who have experienced emotional loneliness and loss early in life. This is not a matter of blame—it is an interplay between genetics, environment, and experience. ## Childhood’s Imprint on Body and Mind Our brains are far from fully developed at birth. In fact, about 90 percent of development occurs after we come into the world. The environment we grow up in, how we are met by caregivers, and the attitudes we learn towards our own feelings and needs are immensely important. If, from an early age, one’s own needs are overlooked or certain emotions are not tolerated, we unconsciously suppress parts of ourselves. These can be necessary survival strategies. For many, adapting to others’ expectations becomes more important than caring for their own feelings and needs. This is a central theme in Gabor Maté’s book. He points out how patterns of suppression—whether it’s anger, grief, or setting boundaries—can sometimes be passed down through generations. Families where there’s little room to express uncomfortable emotions can further an emotional silence that also shapes the body’s ability to respond to stress. ## Vulnerable Patterns and Disease Risk Individuals differ greatly in what they perceive as stressful. Some are unsettled by a harsh tone, while others handle major losses without immediate signs of stress. The difference is not just about personality, but what emotional regulation systems we developed as children. Wounds often occur during childhood’s sensitive windows, where attachment and safety are crucial for the ability to manage emotions. When neglect, trauma, or prolonged emotional overload happens during these windows, it forms fundamental patterns for how the body reacts to stress. For some, this means always putting others first, disregarding their own needs, or never showing weakness. These strategies can keep us going for a while, but there is a limit to how long they are sustainable. ## The Body Protests – Symptoms as Signals Many seek medical help when they develop physical symptoms—pain, fatigue, digestive issues, or frequent infections. But often we grit our teeth and try to ignore these signs, hoping they will "just go away." Maté emphasizes how common it is to overlook our own warning signs: the body says no, but we listen too late. This is illustrated by the fact that we often call the doctor for a friend who is in pain but postpone seeing a doctor for ourselves. We are willing to fight for others’ health but don’t take our own signs seriously. This is a pattern Maté often encountered among his patients—especially those who grew up responsible for others’ emotions or who always put themselves aside. The point is that the body is often trying to tell us something. The earlier we learn to understand, interpret, and take seriously what our bodies are telling us, the easier it is to course-correct before illness takes hold. ## Hidden Stress – The Things We Don’t Notice It’s not always easy to recognize stress. Some forms of stress—like daily worries or chronic internal restlessness—can become so normalized that we no longer notice them. This is especially true for people who grew up in unsafe environments. In such cases, the body can remain on high alert, a sort of “emergency readiness” that, over time, wears down the immune system. Research shows, as Maté describes, that chronically activated stress responses lead to high levels of stress hormones. This undermines the body’s ability to repair itself and contributes to disease development over time. Hidden stress is thus no less serious—it is just harder to spot. ## The Path to Holistic Health – Emotions as a Compass The book *When the Body Says No* highlights how we can use emotions as signals, rather than as problems we need to push away. Emotions, especially uncomfortable ones, often carry an important message: Maybe we have said yes too many times when we should have said no, maybe we haven’t finished grieving losses or abuses, maybe we struggle to set boundaries or express our needs. Getting to know your own emotions and reaction patterns is therefore not just psychological self-development—it has real significance for physical health. It’s about allowing ourselves to feel anger, disappointment, sorrow, or joy, without letting our emotions take over. This gives us the chance to make adjustments, set boundaries, and care for ourselves along the way. ## Guilt, Shame, and Responsibility – Understanding Causes Without Blame It can be tough to acknowledge that old experiences and emotions have become stuck in the body. Many fear it will cause guilt—as if illness is something we have chosen ourselves. It’s important to note that it’s not our “fault” how we react, or what wounds we carry from childhood. Each of us adapted to our environment as best we could, using the tools available to us. Understanding the connection between emotions and the body is therefore not about blame or fault, but about taking responsibility for what we can influence here and now. When we learn to recognize our own reaction patterns and needs, we can make small new choices and gradually heal the relationship between body and mind. ## A Holistic Approach to Disease and Health Too often, we see body and psyche as two separate domains. Much of traditional healthcare treats illnesses symptomatically—we give painkillers for pain, or anti-inflammatories for inflammation—without asking about underlying causes. Gabor Maté’s project is about linking these understandings, so that we can see illness not just as something that happens *to* us, but also *out* of us—a result of the lives we’ve lived. This doesn’t mean that all illnesses can be prevented or cured by emotional work alone. But it does mean that body and mind are always connected. Inflammation or pain in the body is also an invitation to examine how we live, what relationships we have, and how we handle emotions and boundaries. ## What Can We Do in Practice? Changing old patterns requires awareness and time, but small steps can make a big difference over time. Here are some principles: - **Pay attention to your body**: Practice listening to your body, especially when you feel tired, feel pain, anxiety, or have a bad gut feeling. - **Explore emotions**: Ask yourself how you really feel—and what might be behind it. Not everything can be solved in your head—sometimes feelings must be *felt* all the way through. - **Set boundaries**: Practicing saying no or asking for help can stop stress reactions from building up. - **Seek support**: Share what you carry with trusted friends, a therapist, or other safe people. - **Process the past**: If you know that old wounds still affect you, professional help can make a difference. Exploring this field can be challenging, but it also brings hope. None of us are completely locked into old patterns, and the body’s signals are not just warnings—they are also invitations to growth, understanding, and new balance. ## Summary and Perspectives Going Forward The connection between emotions, upbringing, and physical health is complex, but far from coincidental. Our bodies are closely intertwined with our psychological world. When we learn to listen to what the body is trying to tell us, we open ourselves to greater health, more freedom, and better relationships—with ourselves and others. We are not responsible for everything we’ve been through, but we can take responsibility for meeting ourselves with more understanding and care going forward. The most important thing is to see ourselves as whole human beings, where feelings, thoughts, and body work together—and where the solution often begins with listening to the body’s clear but often overlooked “no.” --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in a podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice materials at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).