So Lonely That We Take Pictures of Ourselves

# So Lonely That We Take Pictures of Ourselves The experience of exclusion and loneliness is among the most fundamental and painful feelings a human being can have. Even in today's society, where we are more connected than ever through technology and social media, a deep sense of emptiness and distance is emerging. Many describe how they can stand in the middle of a room full of people, have friends and seemingly be included, yet still feel an inexplicable sense of not fitting in—not moving to the same rhythm as the rest of the group. ## Exclusion and the Modern Self Feeling left out and excluded is something most of us have experienced at some point in life. It can range from small episodes of rejection to ongoing bullying or systematic exclusion during upbringing. This very exclusion can leave deep marks and follow us far into adulthood. According to psychological knowledge about belonging and identity development, the lack of strong, close bonds between people is a central risk factor for mental health issues—even suicidal thoughts. The question arises: What do we need to feel meaning in life? ## Psychological Core Needs: Belonging, Love, and Recognition In books such as "Lost Connections" by Johann Hari and articles from attachment research, we find support for the idea that belonging is in fact one of our most central psychological needs. When this is missing, life—in its most existential sense—can lose some of its luster, and darker alternatives may remain as the only way out. In a society characterized by individualism, competition, comparison, and materialism, the close bonds often fade—the very things that give us a sense of community, security, and significance. We also see this change in the emergence of the "self-centered society." Perhaps it has become so that many of us feel so disconnected from the community that we take pictures of ourselves—selfies—to prove that we exist, that we have a place here, even though the inner feeling may be emptiness and loneliness. ## Self Psychology and Kohut's Insight into the Self To understand our own drives and needs, we can draw inspiration from self psychology, especially from the works of Heinz Kohut. He moved away from Freud’s theories about drives, and instead emphasized our search for wholeness, harmony, and meaning. In the book "The Analysis of the Self," Kohut expands our understanding of the human psyche—here the self and its development are central. Kohut describes the self as an inner organizing principle. A stable and coherent self is crucial for our mental health. The foundation for developing a strong self lies in the security of being seen, mirrored, and loved by significant others. When children receive empathic responses from their caregivers, the value of their own self is rooted. But if this mirroring fails, a psychological deficit can develop—a pervasive sense of not being good enough, loved, or included. ## The Tripolar Self: Three Central Needs Kohut’s theory of the tripolar self illustrates three fundamental needs: 1. **The Grandiose Self** – The need to be seen, admired, and recognized. Young children dream of being the center of the world, and this is normal. When the need for affirmation is met well, healthy self-esteem develops. 2. **Idealizing Pole** – The need to look up to and merge with someone one admires. We need role models, adults who are safe and strong, whom we can connect to in order to draw strength, hope, and inspiration. 3. **Twin or Alter Ego Pole** – The need to feel similarity and kinship with peers or kindred spirits. This is about experiencing community and equality, being part of a group—a mutual experience of "we," where one feels resonance and identity. When these needs are allowed to develop naturally, they provide us with a robust self-image, the ability to endure adversity, and a sense of belonging. A lack of such experiences, however, can lead to lasting psychological wounds—deficits in self-experience, relational difficulties, and a search for external affirmation. ## From Seeking Affirmation to Narcissism In the absence of genuine recognition, people's search for affirmation can turn into excessive strategies to gain attention. The need for status, applause, and external success can become overwhelming. This is at the core of what we often call narcissistic traits: a constant craving for affirmation, while one's self-esteem remains fragile and dependent on the responses of others. This is not necessarily synonymous with "malice" or pure egoism. Deep down, there is often a profound fear of rejection, being overlooked, or ending up alone. The grandiose facade becomes a shield against this vulnerability. There is much suffering behind such traits—often shaped by many years of insufficient mirroring and understanding in childhood. ## Bullying, Exclusion, and Long-Term Effects Many of us have felt the pain of being excluded, and for some, it starts early. Bullying, harassment, or social exclusion in childhood and adolescence can cause lasting wounds to the self. The feeling of standing outside the community does not necessarily go away with new environments or adulthood. Such experiences can become an inner echo—a worry about being excluded again, a distrust that one can ever belong with others. These wounds risk becoming deeply ingrained in the self and may quickly surface as loneliness, shame, or complete detachment in social situations later in life. ## Individualism and Lost Communities In recent decades, Western societies have increasingly moved toward an individualistic ideal. We are supposed to realize ourselves, appear unique, perform and compete—at school, at work, and on social platforms. Materialism and a culture of comparison contribute to a persistent feeling of inadequacy. At the same time, we may be losing the fundamental communities where we are seen behind the facade, recognized for who we are, not for what we do. As Johann Hari points out in "Lost Connections"—the way out of loneliness does not start with performing more, but by restoring relationships that provide real closeness and meaning. ## Selfies as a Symptom of a Longing for Contact Perhaps there is a reason why selfies have taken such a prominent place in our lives. The image of ourselves is shared—perhaps not just to show others who we are and where we are, but to assure ourselves that we exist, have value, deserve to be seen. It's as if we are trying to soothe an underlying longing—to be mirrored, affirmed, and included in a community. But likes and comments are a fleeting currency. They can never fully fill the void that arises when deeply human needs for belonging, recognition, and love are not fulfilled over time. Psychological research reflects this: Social media can be an arena for community, but also a catalyst for comparison, insecurity, and increased distance from those we long to be close to. ## The Meaning of Life and the Importance of Belonging If there is one insight we can take from psychological research and theory, it is that the meaning of life is often found between us, in our relationships. Good bonds with others give us a sense of significance, security, and coherence. This is where we grow, develop, and find the strength to face life's challenges. When community fails, life can feel meaningless. In the darkest moments, death can seem less painful than the existential loneliness over time. ## Ways Out of Loneliness There are no quick fixes, but knowledge of how we function can give us the key to change. To build a stronger self and feel included, we must first understand our own fundamental needs—for recognition, security, and community. Seeking support, talking about vulnerability, and prioritizing real relationships over facade and performance are often the first steps toward healing old wounds. It’s about recognizing and meeting the deep, human longings to be seen and heard—and daring to approach others, even when the fear of rejection lies beneath the surface. ## Closing Reflection My hope is that we can remind ourselves—and each other—that no one grows alone. We need to be seen for who we are behind facades and achievements. The path to a richer mental life goes through relationships, community, and the warm recognition of people who meet us with empathy and understanding. For it is not through yet another selfie that we truly come into being, but by entering into communities—big and small—where we can see ourselves mirrored in the recognition of others and become a mirror for those around us. --- **Do you want to delve deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in the podcast episode of the same name. You’ll find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).