School refusal and anxiety

# School refusal and anxiety School refusal has become one of the clearest signs that something is off in the meeting between children, family, school and society. In Norway it has been reported that over 20,000 children have been absent from school for more than a month. Behind every number is a child who struggles, parents trying to understand, and a school often caught between care and demands. In my work as a psychologist I meet many variants of this phenomenon: children who dread mornings so intensely their bodies lock up; adolescents who withdraw more and more; families who gradually organize life around the absence, with ever less room to act. It's tempting to look for one explanation — one diagnosis, one event, one mistake. But school refusal is rarely that simple. The book *Skolevegringsmysteriet* by Gaute Brochmann and Ole Jakob Madsen offers a useful perspective: school refusal should be understood not only as an individual problem but also as a symptom of larger cultural and societal conditions. Madsen — who is both a psychologist and a philosopher — challenges us to ask: What does this development tell us about the expectations we place on children, about the school as an institution, and about the time we live in? This text explores school refusal through two lenses at once: the psychological (anxiety, avoidance, safety and attachment) and the cultural (performance pressure, a culture of assessment, changed expectations and reduced room to fail). The point is not to shift responsibility away from the individual, but to place the child's reaction in a larger context where the reaction becomes more understandable — and therefore often more manageable. --- ## School refusal: more than absence School refusal is not primarily about "not wanting to". It is seldom about defiance in the classic sense. School refusal is more often characterized by strong emotional activation related to school: restlessness, panic, shame, hopelessness, physical symptoms, or a sense that you cannot step through the door. It can look very different: - Some children show clear anxiety reactions: crying, clinging, nausea, palpitations. - Some adolescents become quiet and seemingly "flat", but withdraw more and more. - Some function well socially outside of school but break down at the thought of the classroom. - Others struggle widely in their free time too, and absence becomes part of a broader withdrawal. What often unites these expressions is avoidance: a strategy to regulate overwhelming feelings. Avoidance works in the short term — the child escapes the discomfort. But in the long term avoidance reinforces the problem, because the brain learns that school really was dangerous, since "it got better when I didn't go". This is a classic principle in anxiety psychology: negative reinforcement of avoidance behavior. At the same time, we must be cautious about reducing school refusal to a pure "anxiety mechanism" without asking what the anxiety is about. For some it is an expression of social anxiety. For others it is about demands, pace, performance, or a feeling of never being enough. And for some it is a reaction to real conditions: bullying, an unsafe route to school, conflicts, or a learning environment that does not accommodate neurodiversity or psychological vulnerability. --- ## A societal symptom: what has changed? One of the most thought-provoking questions in *Skolevegringsmysteriet* is this: Why has school become harder to attend now than before? Previously, "everyone" went to school — the capable and the less capable, the practical and the reflective, those who had safety at home and those who did not. It was of course not idyllic. But schooling was more often a collective project and an expected part of life. Today we see a trend where even children described as secure, resourceful and "well-functioning" can break down in the face of the daily demands of school. This challenges a simple explanation that school refusal is primarily due to dysfunction at home or innate vulnerabilities. Madsen's point is not that psychology is irrelevant, but that psychology can sometimes be too narrow. If we only look for diagnoses, we risk overlooking that many children react reasonably to an environment that is experienced as unreasonable. The child's symptoms then become a kind of cultural thermostat: they show us the temperature of the system. Several societal trends may contribute: - **Increased focus on performance and management by objectives in schools** - **More frequent assessment, testing and comparison** - **Early "future-orientation"** (choices now are said to decide everything later) - **Less room to be average, unfinished or in development** - **Stronger individualization of responsibility** (if you don't succeed, it's on you) When life is experienced as constant evaluation, school becomes more than a place to learn. It becomes an arena where one's self-worth is at stake. --- ## The many expressions of anxiety: five forms that often mix Anxiety is not one thing. It can resemble fear, shame, stress or physical unease — and it can attach to different themes. In cases of school refusal I often see several forms of anxiety at work together. It is useful to distinguish them, because interventions that help one type of anxiety may be insufficient for another. Here are five anxious expressions that are often relevant: 1. **Panic-like anxiety and bodily alarm** The child experiences strong physical symptoms: nausea, stomach pain, dizziness, palpitations, trembling. This can resemble panic disorder or intense stress reactions. School becomes linked to the body's alarm system. 2. **Social anxiety and fear of the gaze** Worry about being judged, embarrassing oneself, blushing, saying something wrong, being laughed at. School is full of micro-exposures: reading aloud, answering questions, group work, recess. 3. **Generalized worries and cognitive overactivity** Thoughts spin: "What if I get a bad grade?", "What if the teacher gets annoyed?", "What if I can't manage the future?" Worries become constant background noise that drains the child's energy before the day even starts. 4. **Separation and attachment-related distress** This is not necessarily about "immaturity" but about regulating safety. For some children home is the only base where the body calms down. Going to school feels like losing footing. 5. **Existential or fundamental insecurity** Some carry a more diffuse sense that life cannot be trusted. This can arise from insecure upbringing, but also from a subtler experience that everything is fragile, temporary and conditional. Then school can trigger a deeper sense of uncertainty. This last point is important because it points to something beyond situational anxiety. For some, school refusal is about a lack of trust in life itself. --- ## Basic trust: a psychological foundation A child who has a robust sense of safety often carries a quiet assumption: "Things usually work out", "Adults can help", "I can tolerate discomfort". This foundation can be understood in attachment theory terms, but also more existentially as a form of basic trust. If a child grows up with unpredictability, conflict, neglect or other burdens, they may develop a pervasive state of alert. In such a position the world is easily interpreted as dangerous. Small provocations can trigger large reactions. It's no wonder that school — demanding, social and full of expectations — becomes difficult. But what's interesting in today's situation is that children with apparently secure upbringings can also develop strong anxiety. How does that fit together? One possible explanation is that safety is not only about the absence of danger, but also about the experience that there is room to be human. If a child senses that love, recognition or calm at home are indirectly tied to performance, results or "functioning correctly", this can create a conditional safety: - "I'm safe when I deliver." - "I'm worth something when I succeed." - "I must be a project that succeeds." Then school becomes the place where this condition is tested — every day. --- ## From care to over-control: the parental role and autonomy Parents are in a demanding double role: they should both protect the child and gradually let them go. In school refusal this balance becomes especially difficult. If the child is in pain, it is natural to comfort, adjust and lower demands. At the same time we know that too much withdrawal can cement avoidance. In many families patterns develop that are entirely human but nonetheless can maintain the problem: - Parents become increasingly "on call" around mornings and school. - Conversations about absence fill more and more of family life. - Conflicts or negotiations about school can become daily rituals. - The child's world narrows, and alternative arenas (home, screens, sleep) dominate. At the same time parents, with the best intentions, can end up taking over the child's regulation: they try to remove everything uncomfortable instead of helping the child tolerate the discomfort. This is not criticism of parents; it is a description of a dynamic that easily arises when anxiety is in charge. A key theme in Madsen's work is children's autonomy — the child's experience of having a life of their own not only as a response to adult expectations. If a child experiences that everything is about the future, performance and the right choices, they can lose contact with a more basic motivation: curiosity, play, belonging, mastery as a process. --- ## School as an assessment arena: "Everything counts" Many children describe school not as a place where you are allowed to learn, but as a place where you are constantly measured. The experience of being under constant assessment amplifies several types of anxiety: - Social anxiety (others' gaze) - Generalized anxiety (what if it goes wrong?) - Perfectionism (I must get everything right) - Shame (if I fail, I am wrong) The idea that performance is decisive for the future can make ordinary challenges disproportionately large. If a test is not just a test but a sign of who you are and what you will become, the effort becomes enormous. This can contribute to a generation that gets less practice in tolerating setbacks. Not because they are "weak", but because the perceived risk is higher and there is less room for gradual exposure and mistakes. --- ## The psychology of withdrawal: why home becomes safest School refusal often develops in a spiral: 1. The child has a negative experience (stress, conflict, social incident, performance pressure). 2. The body learns that school = danger/discomfort. 3. The child avoids school and gets immediate relief. 4. The relief reinforces avoidance. 5. Absence causes academic lag, social distance and more shame. 6. Shame and backlog make returning even harder. Over time the problem becomes not just "going to school" but also facing the consequences of having been away: - "They will ask where I've been." - "I'm far behind." - "Everyone else has moved on without me." The child often withdraws from friends, activities and interests as well. This can look like depression, but can also be a secondary effect of prolonged stress and narrowing of life. The smaller the world becomes, the larger the school threat grows. --- ## Diagnosis or understanding: what helps most? It can be useful to assess and put words to difficulties. For some, a diagnosis opens doors to accommodation and the right support. At the same time Madsen's warning is important: If school refusal is understood solely as an individual disorder, we may miss what the child is actually reacting to. There is a difference between: - "What is wrong with the child?" - "What has the child experienced, and what is the child trying to solve with avoidance?" And also: - "What in the system makes this so hard for so many?" A holistic view does not mean absolving the individual of responsibility or stopping concrete work. It means combining measures at multiple levels: the child's inner world, family patterns, school practices and cultural expectations. --- ## Possible ways forward: support that builds courage and safety School refusal is rarely solved with one conversation or one change. It often requires patience, cooperation and gradual rebuilding of safety. At the same time, some principles recur when things begin to turn. ### 1) Validation without reinforcing avoidance Children must experience that their feelings make sense. Anxiety is not "nonsense." But plans often need to include small steps toward what is difficult, otherwise anxiety stays in the driver's seat. ### 2) Gradual exposure and realistic milestones In anxiety treatment, gradual exposure is a core principle: approach what you fear in small doses, with support. For school refusal this can be anything from entering the schoolyard after hours, meeting the contact teacher alone, attending one class, or starting with a room at school that feels safe. ### 3) Restoring belonging Many who refuse school feel excluded. Measures that strengthen belonging — one safe adult, an agreed-upon friend, a predictable plan — can be decisive. Children rarely move toward what feels socially dangerous. ### 4) Less "everything counts" logic If the child feels that every attendance must be perfect, the threshold becomes enormous. A more sustainable message is often: "You don't have to perform your way out of this. You should practice your way in." ### 5) A systemic view: what can the school adjust? The school can help reduce unnecessary stress: clarity, predictability, flexibility and a learning environment that tolerates difference. In many cases it is also necessary to investigate concrete burdens like bullying, teacher–student relationships, or unrealistic demands. --- ## What school refusal can tell us School refusal is painful for those who experience it and demanding for everyone around them. At the same time the phenomenon can be read as a signal. Not only about a child's anxiety, but about what children's living conditions look like today. *Skolevegringsmysteriet* highlights an important idea: We cannot fully understand children's symptoms without understanding the culture they grow up in. If more and more children cannot manage to go to school, we must be willing to ask bigger questions than "what is wrong with them?". Perhaps it is also about what happens in a society where: - safety becomes conditional on performance - mistakes become dangerous - childhood becomes a preproject for the CV - school becomes a measuring point of self-worth Children need adults who can both provide safety and build resilience. They need room to be themselves, and they need a school that not only measures them but also carries them. And they need a community that can tolerate that development takes time. School refusal is rarely a mystery if we look long enough and broadly enough. Often it is a logical reaction in a life that has become too narrow, too assessed, or too unsafe. Precisely for that reason the solution can also lie in making the world a bit more bearable: more humane, more flexible and safer to step out into. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød talks more about in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the exercise material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).