Allow Feelings

# Allow Feelings You may have felt it: emotions tearing a bit more than you’d like, or arriving unexpectedly, like gusts of wind over a still sea. Maybe it’s anger that suddenly fills the room in a meeting, or a sadness you can’t quite place. For many, emotions seem mysterious—often chaotic or incomprehensible. It’s not uncommon for me to meet people who say they’re confused about what they actually feel, or who grew up in families where only a few emotions—usually anger, joy, or sadness—were permitted. What does it really mean to allow your feelings, to bring them into the light and give them a name? ## Feelings: The Inner Compass Feelings aren’t random passengers in our lives. They don’t appear out of nowhere, but serve as an inner compass, a guideline for how we navigate interactions with others, make decisions, and—most importantly—understand ourselves. But to interpret this compass, we need more than a vague sensation. Developing a nuanced relationship with what we feel inside is crucial for living a meaningful and resilient life. Emotional intelligence is a central concept in modern psychology. Daniel Goleman articulated this already in the 90s, and today we increasingly understand how essential this competence is. Emotional intelligence is both the ability to recognize our own and others’ emotions, and the capacity to use this information effectively. It’s as much about curiosity regarding our own inner reactions as showing outward empathy. ## Emotion Management: A Life Skill Many assume that managing emotions is something that comes naturally. That feelings are automatic and so should be automatically mastered. But emotional mastery is, in fact, a skill—just like learning to walk, ride a bike, or play an instrument. It’s an active process, something we can practice and develop through life. Practicing emotions often means approaching what doesn’t always feel comfortable. It’s about allowing both joy, anger, sadness, fear, and shame. Many grow up with limited emotional expression at home—where maybe only a few feelings are permitted. “Why do I get irritated so quickly?” many ask. Or, “Why do I feel empty or overwhelmed?” The answer is often a lack of words to describe what’s happening inside us. ## Language That Opens Doors There is an insidious danger in a narrow emotional vocabulary. If the only words we use are “happy,” “sad,” or “angry,” our emotional life resembles a map with only three cities. Brené Brown, known for her book *Atlas of the Heart*, points out that she has identified 87 distinct emotions. In my own book on self-esteem, I have selected 16 different emotions to make it practical to work with. Still, both books emphasize that the emotional landscape far exceeds three, five, or ten words. Lacking words for emotions makes us strangers to ourselves. When we can’t articulate what we feel, our bodies become a kind of warning system without clear messages. It’s like groping in a dark room—we sense the contours, but everything is blurry. The result is that we stumble and fall more often than necessary. ## Language Heals If we instead think of putting words to feelings as turning on the light in this room, we realize how much easier it becomes to find our way. This applies not just to ourselves but also to our relationships with others. If you went to the doctor with pain but could only vaguely point somewhere on your body without words, it would be much harder for the doctor to help. It’s the same with emotional pain—without a language for it, it’s difficult to help ourselves or let others help. Affect consciousness, or the ability to recognize and name emotions, is one of the most important factors for mental health. The more nuanced our emotional vocabulary, the easier it is to understand our own needs, set boundaries, and foster closeness with others. ## The Emotional Landscape Is Rich—Why Do We Often Stop at Anger? Stories from our upbringing often shape our relationship with emotions. Brené Brown writes about her own childhood, where anger was the only emotion allowed to play out at home. Her parents were angry behind closed doors but happy in public. What she and her siblings learned was that they themselves were the problem—and thus, shame grew. To survive, she developed a “superpower”: a hypersensitivity to others’ feelings, always on guard to avoid triggering her parents’ anger. But this ability came at a price—the fear of making mistakes colored everyday life, and she lost the capacity to hold and understand her own emotions. This hypersensitivity resembles what psychologists call high mentalizing ability: a formidable talent for reading others’ states of mind. But often there’s an imbalance here—the other half of mentalizing is turning our gaze inward, toward our own feelings and needs. If we are only reading others, we lose the compass that guides us for ourselves. ## Why Is It So Difficult to Connect with Emotions? There are many reasons we shy away from feeling or talking about our emotions. Maybe we’ve been told that showing emotion is weak, irrational, or even dangerous. For some, emotions were tied to chaos or unpredictability during childhood, making it safer to suppress them than let them in. But emotions that aren’t expressed don’t disappear. They become stored in the body and can manifest as tension, aches, or internal restlessness. Over time, this can lead us to live more on autopilot, lose contact with our deeper needs, and struggle to stand firmly in ourselves and our relationships. Allowing feelings doesn’t mean being overwhelmed by emotions or letting them control everything, but meeting them with curiosity and kindness. We can wonder about what’s happening, and explore emotions with an open mind. What is this feeling trying to tell me? What do I need right now? ## The Path to Increased Affect Consciousness How can you practice allowing your own feelings while also developing a richer emotional vocabulary? Here are some concrete tips: **1. Create space to check in with yourself** Set aside moments in your day to pause and notice how you really feel. Maybe you start your day by asking yourself: “What do I feel in my body right now?” or “If my feeling were a color, what color would it be?” **2. Expand your emotional vocabulary** Find inspiration in books like *Atlas of the Heart* by Brené Brown, or work with lists of feelings. See how far you can go beyond the three most common: angry, happy, sad. Can you name if you’re disappointed, irritated, hopeful, anxious, moved, or frustrated? **3. Think of emotions as signals, not end goals** Emotions aren’t right or wrong—they are messages about how we are, what we need or desire. Try to approach your feelings as friendly messengers: What is this feeling telling you? **4. Share emotions with trusted others** In good relationships, you can explore and share your feelings. Putting words to what you feel with someone brings both closeness and self-understanding. Being close to your own feelings brings closeness to others. **5. Give emotions space, without letting them take over** Allowing emotions doesn’t mean acting uncritically on impulse, but giving them space and then making conscious choices. When anger arises, you can explore what it’s about before acting. When sadness appears, see if it points to a need for rest or care. ## Emotions in Practice: From Chaos to Meaning Developing a conscious relationship with feelings makes everyday life easier to navigate. When we can name what we feel, we become attuned to more nuances—in ourselves and with others. This opens the door to better communication, more empathy, and deeper quality of life. When feelings are named and understood, they are not so scary anymore. They lose their power when they no longer have to shout to be heard. Emotions are part of being human—they remind us of what matters, and point toward our deepest needs. Allowing them is not a sign of weakness, but rather the very foundation of mental resilience. ## Finally: The Gift of a Rich Emotional Vocabulary When we practice meeting and understanding our feelings, something magical happens. Life becomes a bit richer, a bit more colorful. We embrace the whole spectrum of feelings—and with that, we open the door to a life of greater awareness and connection. Life isn’t about avoiding feelings, but letting them exist—and letting them show the way. Emotions aren’t wrong—they are life’s strongest signals of what we need, who we are, and where we want to go. --- **Want to delve deeper into this topic?** This is a theme psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the exercise material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).