Narrow-Minded or Open to Input?

# Narrow-Minded or Open to Input? The ability to listen to others is often described as one of the most important keys to personal growth, strong relationships, and a richer life. The formula seems simple: Listen to others, for everyone can teach you something. But this advice, which might sound like a truism from self-help literature, turns out to be anything but easy to follow in practice. ## Why is it difficult to listen? Psychology is full of reminders to listen actively and with empathy. We are encouraged to put ourselves in others’ shoes and approach the world with an open mind. Yet, many of us discover that actually stopping and opening ourselves to others’ ways of thinking is much harder than we’d like to admit. What causes this resistance? It often starts within ourselves. Many of us have an almost automatic urge to say something—to prove our worth in a conversation through our own witty comments, insightful analyses, or correct opinions. Perhaps our attention subtly shifts to appearing interesting, rather than being genuinely interested. We listen to reply, not to understand. Beneath the surface often lies a fear of not being good enough, not having anything to contribute, or a fear of seeming ignorant. ## Listening is more than hearing Truly listening isn’t just about registering the words coming out of someone else’s mouth. It’s about presence—opening yourself to others’ perspectives, and allowing yourself to be challenged and perhaps changed by what is being said. This perspective has roots, among others, in the Greek philosopher Socrates, who emphasized the value of questions over answers. Socrates held up a mirror to his conversation partners; through questions, he provoked self-reflection. A good conversation often sparks an internal dialogue—where we listen to ourselves as well as to the other. When we meet others, it is precisely in our differences that the potential for learning and growth lies. Just as reading books broadens our horizons, other people make us aware of perspectives we never knew existed. Conversely, if we always try to be right or cling to our own truth, we shut ourselves off from the enrichment that comes from letting others’ thoughts in. ## The conflict between security and openness This tension—between wanting to be right and wanting to understand—is often central in interpersonal relationships. Many people find that much of the energy in a conversation is spent crafting clever responses, rather than digesting the other person's message. Here, personality and past experiences play a role. Imagine personality as a circle with different quadrants that govern how we react emotionally. Some of us have a lot of energy tied up in fear; others in panic. This affects how we relate to others and their messages. If you carry a lot of panic—perhaps because you previously felt rejected or unsafe—you may develop a strong need to behave correctly. The conversation then becomes more about not being rejected than about learning something new. Instead of being curious and receptive, you focus on performing or making a good impression. This is something I often see in group therapy. Many people are so focused on saying the right thing, or on expressing what the group or therapist wants to hear, that they miss out on truly listening. The learning environment transforms into an exam room where the most important thing is to pass—not to develop. People respond instinctively, nod, and agree without truly meaning it. Over time, this can undermine both your own self-respect and the group’s trust. You learn nothing new when the entire effort is about shielding yourself from discomfort. ## The consequences of avoidant and compliant behavior Such adaptability, where you always say what others want to hear, eventually makes you untrustworthy. If you don’t stand for your own experiences, feelings, or opinions, others lose faith that you have substance when it truly matters. It can be compared to taking an anti-anxiety pill: it may provide temporary relief, but you don’t get access to real impressions, and in the long run, what you actually stand for may erode. Some may come across as very caring because they seem to focus on others, yet their intention might not be genuine. If you’re constantly concerned about how you present yourself, it isn’t really about the others—it’s about soothing your own discomfort and securing your self-worth. Excessive need for affirmation from others, or a persistent pursuit of security through your own achievements, blocks real learning and development. ## Roots in personal fear For some, this closed-off attitude is rooted in fear. Perhaps you’ve experienced vulnerability met with criticism, or your ideas or feelings being mocked or dismissed. Such experiences leave an imprint and can cause us to develop a protective armor. This armor makes it hard to truly listen, as the listener is always on guard—ready to defend themselves or persuade the other. "If I am receptive, I risk getting hurt," many think—and thus reject new knowledge or input before it has a chance to sink in. These defense mechanisms are often unconscious. Carl Gustav Jung focused on how our personality and our shadow sides influence how we meet the world. Many become locked into a worldview where new ideas or criticism are seen as a threat—not as a gift. ## The genuinely mature conversation How can we work to open up our own ability to listen? Above all, this requires courage. Courage to accept that we don’t always have the answer, and that sometimes we can allow ourselves to be convinced, changed, or enriched by others. Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard described how someone who truly wants to help must first find the other where they are—and remain there with them. This means putting aside your own needs and agenda for a while and being "with" the other person, instead of trying to lead or correct them. Openness to input is built on inner security and resilience. You must tolerate that your own thoughts are challenged, and that others’ insights can be just as valuable—or even more valuable—than your own. In "The Road Less Traveled," psychiatrist M. Scott Peck describes how demanding yet developmental it is to let go of the urge to always be right. It is in this willingness to expose yourself to the unknown that growth occurs. ## Listening is an active choice Training your ability to listen—not just "catching the words," but also being open to being influenced—is among the most challenging and ambitious skills you can develop. For most people, this is not innate but the result of conscious development and practice. In Gestalt therapy, they distinguish between "listening" and "hearing." "Listening" requires an inner effort. Here, we meet ourselves in reflection on the other’s message—and it is only when we dare to open up that we can create real contact. In the workplace and in personal life, those who can put their own needs aside and show genuine interest in others’ opinions often achieve the best results. Deep, attentive conversation provides fertile ground for creativity, collaboration, and development—both at work and at home. ## Personality and emotional base moods Another important explanatory factor is our personality. Different people carry different emotional base moods that affect how they engage with others. Steven Porges, known for his polyvagal theory, has highlighted how our nervous system—shaped by past experiences—can dictate how open or closed we are to input. If you’ve experienced secure attachment, you’re often more receptive and curious. But if, for example, you’ve been mocked or rejected, you’ll put more effort into protecting yourself—and thus listen less effectively. These patterns are not immutable. If you recognize that your own fears (of rejection, mistakes, or incompetence) are getting in the way, there is huge potential for growth if you challenge yourself, little by little, to let more in. ## The greater the resistance, the greater the reward The fascinating thing is that the greater your resistance to listening to others, the greater the potential benefit if you manage it. Those you disagree with, or fear being challenged by, may hold exactly the perspectives you need to truly grow. Susan Cain explores in her book, "Quiet," how those who dare to listen rather than shout the loudest often contribute the most important insights—precisely because they value and integrate diverse viewpoints into their understanding. ## Practical advice for development One of the most important things you can do to become more open to input is to practice being curious rather than certain. Ask more questions, and allow what you hear to settle before you respond. Hit the pause button internally and view conversation as an opportunity for your own development—not just as a stage where you need to perform. When engaging with others, try to notice whether you’re listening to respond or to understand. Let the other person’s viewpoint live a little longer before you "meet it" with your own. This will strengthen your relationships, broaden your own horizons, and open up new rooms for insight and growth. ## The road ahead Practicing being receptive, critical, and open at the same time is a lifelong exercise. It requires discipline and self-awareness, and a willingness to challenge your own defense mechanisms. But the reward is immense. Being open to multiple perspectives not only improves your relationships—it also gives you new opportunities to understand yourself and others, and to keep growing as a person. Practicing curious and open presence is something we can all work on—a little every day. --- **Want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the exercise materials on [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).