Unconscious Layers in Relationships

# Unconscious Layers in Relationships Interpersonal relationships are often more complex than they appear at first glance. Beneath the obvious conversation lie layers of unconscious patterns, old roles, and small repeating "games" that shape how we meet each other. As a psychologist, I have long been interested in how these dynamics arise, what they do to us, and how we can recognize and break out of destructive patterns. Eric Berne's classic book Games People Play (1964) provides a framework that remains highly useful: people engage in repeated transactions that can be understood as social games. Here I try to make Berne's insight practical and applicable in everyday relationships. ## What are relational "games"? Berne's concept of "games" isn't about board games or competitions in the usual sense, but about interaction patterns that repeat over time and produce predictable outcomes. A game often starts with an innocent interaction — a transaction — that develops into a repeating chain of reactions. The point of these games is that they provide a form of psychological payoff: consciously or unconsciously, one party gains confirmation, avoids responsibility, gains sympathy, or can avoid feeling difficult emotions. Some games regulate social interaction usefully or motivate us to perform. But other patterns are destructive: they create distance, misunderstandings, and stuck power balances. Identifying these games helps us choose rather than simply reacting according to a prewritten script. ## Berne: transactional analysis and the three ego states Eric Berne's transactional analysis is built on the concept of three ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. These are not literal ages, but ways of thinking, feeling and acting in encounters with others: - Parent: Norms, rules, judgments — both critical and nurturing attitudes we've internalized from caregivers. - Adult: Fact-oriented, realistic assessment and problem-solving in the here-and-now. - Child: Feelings, needs and reactions that come from earlier experiences — both adaptive and impulsive sides. The ideal in communication is often adult-to-adult: a rational, honest and open dialogue where both parties have access to information and responsibility for their own feelings. In practice, however, one or both often slip into Parent or Child modes, and interaction can become asymmetric or drama-driven. ## Why do we play these games? There are several reasons people repeat these patterns: - To avoid confronting their own feelings. Games can act as a buffer against vulnerability. - To avoid responsibility. By placing blame outside themselves, people escape demanding consequences. - To rationalize actions. Games can make unacceptable behavior more acceptable through stories and roles. - To gain validation or sympathy. Some games ensure emotional resonance and confirmation from others. - To maintain a familiar psychological environment. Even destructive patterns can feel comfortable because they are predictable. Often we are not aware of why we act as we do. Only when we can name the pattern does change become possible. ## Typical games and examples Berne's book gives many concrete names for games that easily put words to phenomena we recognize from everyday life. Here are some explanations and everyday examples that show how games can manifest: - 'Three-legged game' (sometimes referred to as 'kick me'): A person adopts a passive, complaining or helpless role and points to external circumstances as the cause of problems. This can lead others to take responsibility, either by taking control or by becoming frustrated with the avoidance of accountability. The result is often that the problem isn't solved, but both confirm their roles — the helpless one and the controlling one. - Avoiding vulnerability through conflict about sexuality: Some couples use arguments about sexual intimacy to avoid talking about underlying emotional needs. Sexuality becomes a symbolic field where real issues are pushed away. The conflict maintains distance and protects against the intimacy that would expose vulnerability. - Manipulative or subtle power plays: There are games aimed at gaining status, care or control without open communication. These can be small provocations designed to guarantee a response and thus confirm one's place in the hierarchy. - Controversial and gender-related games: Berne also describes more controversial patterns, using jargon that can sound provocative today — examples like 'cold wife' or terms such as 'in-rape-o'. These labels point to dynamics where gender, power and sexual communication are used as tools to assert or evade responsibility, and they touch on sensitive issues of consent, control and shame. It's important to meet these descriptions with critical reflection: some of the terminology and examples come from a different era, but the dynamics they try to capture still exist in many relationships. The discussion therefore needs nuance and a focus on how power and gender interact in today's context. ## How do games affect the power balance in relationships? The power balance in a relationship largely determines how much or how little we need to "play." In more equal relationships, the need for subtle manipulation is often reduced — partners can express needs and responsibilities more directly. In relationships with imbalance, whether emotional capacity, finances, or social status, the need for hidden strategies to gain recognition or avoid pressure increases. A clear sign of a game is that it repeats across situations and always ends in a familiar conclusion — a "script" that confirms a psychological payoff. When such patterns dominate, communication becomes marked by suspicion, misinterpretation and fear of "losing face" or being rejected. ## How can we become aware and change patterns? Becoming aware of the games is the first step. Here are concrete tools I often share with patients and clients to increase clarity and responsibility in relationships: 1. Learn the ego states. Practice identifying whether you are responding from Parent, Child, or Adult. A simple question to ask yourself is: "Is this rational problem-solving (Adult), an old fear or need (Child), or a judgment/evaluation (Parent)?" 2. Pause and name it. If you feel the interaction is repetitive, say out loud to yourself or your partner: "This feels like a pattern we're running again." Naming a game can break its spell and make it less tempting to continue. 3. Ask open questions. Instead of reacting automatically, ask with curiosity: "What do you actually need right now?" or "What do you think would happen if we tried this differently?" Shifting the conversation from assumptions to exploration invites adult-to-adult communication. 4. Take responsibility for your feelings. Games thrive on projection and excuses. Say "I notice I feel..." rather than "You make me feel..." This reduces accusatory dynamics and creates more space for genuine understanding. 5. Clarify boundaries and consequences. Games flourish in unclear frameworks. Clear boundaries and honest consequences make it harder to use manipulative strategies. 6. Use reflection time. When topics awaken old wounds, ask for time to think before responding. This allows space to find the adult response rather than being driven by impulsive child reactions. 7. Seek professional help for stuck patterns. Therapy or counseling can provide a neutral space to map and change deep scripts. ## Practical exercises for couples and close relationships - Agree on a 'pause rule': If the conversation slides into a familiar game, one of you can say 'pause' — not as avoidance, but as an agreed way to re-establish adult contact. - Perspective-switching exercises: Describe an argument from the other's point of view without criticizing. This trains empathy and breaks down 'us-versus-them' frames. - Use written communication for difficult topics: Sometimes it's easier to put feelings into words in writing before discussing them verbally, because it gives time to formulate an adult response. ## Final reflections Relationships are an emotional landscape where past experiences, cultural norms and individual choices meet. Eric Berne's Games People Play gives us a language to recognize how many of these patterns repeat — both to our benefit and to our detriment. Becoming aware of our own roles, daring to step out of old scripts and taking responsibility for our feelings is demanding, but also liberating. Change rarely happens overnight. It requires practice, courage and time. But by increasing our emotional awareness and strengthening adult-to-adult communication, we can create more authentic and whole relationships. The goal is not to eliminate all conflict — a certain degree of conflict is both natural and necessary — but to prevent every conflict from becoming a recurring game that keeps us stuck in old roles. As a practical tool, I will always recommend reading Berne's Games People Play (1964) if you want a historical and creative framework. At the same time it is important to combine classic theory with modern understandings of gender, power and consent, so we meet both individual needs and contemporary ethical standards. Recognizing the unconscious layers in relationships gives freedom: the freedom to take responsibility, stop destructive patterns and choose more authentic ways of being close to each other. It is inner work that produces clear outer results in the form of more trust, intimacy and mutual respect. --- **Would you like to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).