Without Access to Feelings

# Without Access to Feelings Some people go through life with a strange sense of distance from themselves. They may function well at work, be responsible and practical, and even appear calm in demanding situations. Yet when asked what they feel, the usual answers are: “I don’t know,” “There’s nothing,” or “I think that…” — followed by analysis, not feeling. This is not necessarily about being “cold,” unintelligent, or unwilling to share. For some people it’s a more fundamental difficulty: lacking access to their own emotional life. In psychology this is called **alexithymia** (also written *aleksitymi*): a condition or trait-like challenge where the ability to identify, understand, and put feelings into words is limited. I will describe what alexithymia is, how it can develop, common signs, and what can actually be done to get more in touch with yourself. The goal is not to “force” feelings, but to make the emotional life more readable, more accessible — and thereby more useful as an inner compass. ## Alexithymia: a language problem — but also a connection problem The term **alexithymia** was introduced by Professor **Peter Sifneos** in **1973** after observations of patients at the psychiatric ward of **Massachusetts General Hospital**. He noticed a group of people who had trouble describing inner experiences emotionally, yet nonetheless showed clear signs of emotional activation. It was as if the feelings were there — but without words, without clear form, and often without mental availability. The word can be loosely understood as “no words for feelings.” It does not mean the person lacks feelings, but that feelings are often: - **difficult to identify** - **hard to distinguish from bodily sensations** (hunger, restlessness, tension, nausea, pain) - **difficult to express verbally** - more often managed through **action, logic, or withdrawal** This means that one of the psyche’s most important information channels — affects — cannot do their job. ## How common is it? Estimates vary, but several sources point out that alexithymia occurs in a significant portion of the population. The Spanish Society for Neurology has estimated that **up to 10%** of the world’s population may have alexithymia to a degree that causes problems. There are also gender differences in prevalence: about **13% of men** and **7% of women** are reported to be affected to a clinically relevant degree. Such figures should be interpreted cautiously, but they highlight an important issue: **culture, upbringing and emotional socialization** can influence how we develop a language for feelings. It’s also worth emphasizing that alexithymia exists on a spectrum. Some have milder difficulties that appear in pressured situations, while others have more pervasive limitations. ## Two main variants: primary and secondary alexithymia In the literature alexithymia is often divided into **primary** and **secondary** variants. This distinction is useful because causes point toward different forms of help. ### Primary alexithymia — neurobiological factors Primary alexithymia suggests a more innate or neurologically based vulnerability. Source material describes this as a possible “neurological defect” that can affect communication: - between the **limbic system** (affect and emotion processing) - and the **neocortex** (language, reflection, concept formation) It is also mentioned that communication between hemispheres may be affected. Causes can include hereditary factors or neurological disease. This does not mean one “cannot” gain better emotional access, but that the work often needs to be more systematic and concrete. ### Secondary alexithymia — a psychological defense and a learning history Secondary alexithymia is often understood as a consequence of emotional stress. Here emotional disconnection becomes a way to survive. Two recurring conditions are: - **emotional neglect** (a lack of response to the child’s feelings) - **psychological abuse** (criticism, shame, insecurity, unpredictability) Traumatic events in adulthood are also mentioned. When feelings become too intense, too dangerous, or too unacknowledged, the psyche can “turn down the volume.” In the short term this can bring stability. In the long term it can produce a way of living more in the head than in the body and heart. ## Core symptoms: Pedinielli (1992) and the emotional blind spot Psychological research has tried to specify typical patterns that characterize alexithymia. **Pedinielli (1992)** describes four basic symptoms: 1. **Difficulty expressing feelings verbally** 2. **Limited or reduced imagination** 3. **A tendency to resort to action to avoid or resolve conflicts** 4. **A high level of thinking oriented toward the concrete and external** (a practical, fact-based and often “flat” mental style) Note that these points are not about intelligence. They are about **access**. Many people with alexithymia can be highly gifted, action-oriented and solution-focused — while at the same time having an emotional blind spot. ### A typical pattern: from feeling to facts A common sign is that in difficult situations a person jumps straight to: - problem solving - planning - rationalizing - distractions This can appear mature and efficient. The problem is that feelings often carry information about needs and limits. If that information is not read, one can go on living a life that looks “right” on the outside but feels empty or foreign on the inside. ## The body as a speaker: somatization and “feelings without words” When feelings cannot find mental and verbal expression, they often have to take other routes. Many with alexithymia therefore have an increased risk of **somatic complaints** — bodily symptoms without a clear medical explanation, or where stress and affect clearly make things worse. This can appear as: - muscle tension - headaches - stomach problems - restlessness and sleep problems - diffuse pain - fatigue The point is not that “everything is in the head.” The point is that feelings are biological responses — and if they cannot be processed mentally, the body can become the main stage for expression. In therapy I often see people describe their lives through the body: “I have a lump,” “I can’t breathe,” “It aches,” “I go numb.” This is not the “wrong language.” It is often the language they have had available. ## Relationships and empathy: when the emotional language is missing Feelings are not only private experiences. They are also relational signals. If you have difficulty sensing what you feel, it becomes harder to: - understand what you need - set boundaries - ask for support - recognize what is happening in others Sources point to challenges related to **emotional empathy**. It’s important to distinguish between: - **cognitive empathy**: understanding intellectually what others feel - **emotional empathy**: emotionally resonating with another Many with alexithymia can have good cognitive empathy (they can “figure it out”), but lower emotional resonance. This can create misunderstandings in close relationships. A partner may feel alone because the response is practical: “What can we do about it?” instead of “Oh, that sounds painful.” A friend may experience you as distant when things get raw. Over time this can contribute to **social isolation**, not because one doesn’t care, but because the emotional channel is weak. ## Imagination, dreams and inner life An interesting aspect of alexithymia is the often **limited imagination**. This can mean less access to: - inner images - daydreams - symbols - emotionally charged reflection For some dreams are hard to access, or they are remembered without affect. For others dreams exist but are experienced as “odd stories” without emotional meaning. This says something important: feelings are not just “reactions.” They are also part of our ability to make meaning, integrate experiences and create coherence in life. ## What does it actually mean to feel? Feeling is not just having an emotional wave. Feeling often involves three things: 1. **Noticing** that something is happening in the body and attention 2. **Interpreting** it as a particular emotion (for example sadness, anger, shame, joy) 3. **Linking** the feeling to needs, values and the situation (“what does this say about me and my life now?”) People with alexithymia may stop at the first or second step. They may notice unease but interpret it as “stress.” They may notice tightness but not see that it is anger. They may notice emptiness but not find the sorrow. ## Feelings and needs: the overlooked connection Feelings are often the psyche’s way of pointing to needs. That is why I often work with the following link in therapy: - **Feeling** → **Need** → **Action/choice** If the feeling is unclear, the need is also unclear. And if the need is unclear, choices are often driven by: - duty - expectations - rules - others’ needs - impulsive actions without reflection Many with alexithymia learned early on that their own needs wouldn’t get space. It’s not surprising, then, that feelings — which signal needs — become muted. ## Emotion-focused therapy: building access rather than forcing expression An approach I often return to when working with emotional disconnection is **emotion-focused therapy (EFT)**. The basic idea is that feelings are not primarily problems to be controlled, but signals that can be understood and integrated. For a person with alexithymia much of the work involves: - practicing noticing inner states - holding them in attention without fleeing to analysis or action - exploring nuances (irritation vs. anger, restlessness vs. fear) - developing a language that fits one’s own experience This is often slow work. But it can have big consequences: more contact, more vitality, more self-understanding and clearer direction. ## Concrete steps toward a more affect-aware life Many believe the path to more feelings is to “talk more about childhood” or “pull yourself together and be more open.” For some this can be relevant, but it’s often more useful to start with micro-skills in daily life. ### 1) Notice that something is happening Ask yourself during the day: - “What do I notice in my body right now?” - “Am I calm, tense, heavy, restless, empty, irritated?” The goal here is not the right answer but increased noticing. You train the signal reception. ### 2) Allow the feeling to exist for a few seconds Many with alexithymia (especially secondary) have learned that feelings are dangerous, weak or useless. Automatic strategies then are: - changing the subject - working more - scrolling - fixing something practical - analyzing oneself away Try instead to stay with the feeling for 10–30 seconds. Like a researcher of your inner world: “What is this?” ### 3) Put words to it — gently and tentatively You don’t need strong labels. Start low: - “I think I’m a bit sad.” - “I might be more stressed than I thought.” - “It feels like irritation.” A tentative “maybe” is better than an empty “nothing.” Language builds a bridge between body and awareness. ### 4) Distinguish feelings from thoughts A common trap is to answer with thoughts: - “I feel that you don’t care” (often a thought/interpretation) Try to find the underlying feeling: - “I feel anxious and sad when I don’t hear from you.” This increases precision and reduces conflict in relationships. ### 5) Link the feeling to a need Ask: - “If this feeling could speak, what would it ask for?” Sadness might ask for comfort or connection. Anger might ask for boundaries and fairness. Fear might ask for safety. Shame might ask for acceptance and repair. ### 6) Share in relationship — with the right dose Sharing feelings doesn’t mean unloading. It can be simple: - “I notice this is hard for me to put into words.” - “I’m getting a bit overwhelmed and need a minute.” - “I think I was hurt, but I’m not entirely sure.” For many this is a breakthrough: expressing uncertainty instead of pretending. ## The landscape of stasis — and the way out Living with limited access to feelings can feel stable but also stuck. As if life runs on rails without you really being present. It can mean little color, little drive, little closeness. At the same time there can be much bodily discomfort, irritation or a diffuse emptiness. Moving toward a richer emotional life rarely means a dramatic shift. It more often means building capacity: a bit more noticing, a bit more tolerance, a bit more language. Over time this can restore access to something fundamental: the feeling of being alive inside. ## Final reflection Alexithymia is a complex phenomenon. For some it’s more about neurobiological factors, for others more about learning history, lack of care, emotional neglect or trauma. Regardless of variant I often see the same pattern: a person who at some point learned that feelings were not safe, not wanted, or made no sense. There is hope in this, because much can be relearned. Feelings can become more accessible, not by forcing them, but by meeting the inner life with curiosity and gradual practice. And when feelings become clearer, needs, boundaries and direction often become clearer too. Gaining access to feelings is not a luxury. It is a basic part of mental health, relational security and the ability to live in alignment with yourself. --- **Want to explore this topic further?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød talks more about in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).