Friends Who Drain Your Energy

# Friends Who Drain Your Energy Some friendships give us nourishment, joy, and security – others can be exhausting and leave us empty of energy. Almost everyone has experienced having a friend or acquaintance who, directly or indirectly, takes more than they give. What is this about – why do some relationships become "energy sinks," and how can we understand the dynamics behind them? A good friendship is not just a source of support and companionship, but also a relationship where the balance between giving and receiving is intact over time. However, it is surprisingly easy to fall into imbalanced friendships – and difficult to find your way out once you start neglecting your own needs or struggle to recognize your own boundaries. ## Signs of Good Friendships The relationships that give us energy are often characterized by a natural flow between supporting and being supported. Good friends are able to listen, be present, see each other – but also challenge each other when necessary. They can laugh together, cry together, and handle the balance shifting from time to time. In such friendships, it is safe to be vulnerable, and both parties fundamentally feel that there is room for both their own and the other’s needs. This balance is rarely perfectly precise at any given moment, but over time it evens out if the relationship is healthy. ## Energy-Draining Friendships – How Do We Recognize Them? A friendship can feel draining when a lasting asymmetry develops. This may manifest, for example, in one person always needing support, rarely asking how you are, or expecting you to fix their problems without showing interest in your life – or the opposite. Some signs include: - You feel exhausted and heavy in your body after spending time together. - You dread meeting this person, even though you "should" feel happy. - You constantly feel the need to adapt, or walk on eggshells. - You feel guilty if you say no or set boundaries. Such friendships can be especially exhausting if you repeatedly fall into the role of "rescuer" or "martyr," where you give of yourself without getting refueled. You might think: "If I just give a little more, things will finally turn around." The problem is, this dynamic rarely changes unless someone addresses the imbalance. ## Mentalization – The Key to Good Relationships In psychology, mentalization is often highlighted as a central concept for understanding relational challenges. Mentalization describes the ability to understand both your own and others’ thoughts, feelings, and needs. It’s about being able to see yourself from the outside and others from the inside: Why am I reacting this way? What might be behind my friend’s behavior? Friends with a high capacity for mentalization are able to perceive and respond to both their own and others’ needs, and understand when it is time to give space, or ask for something themselves. They understand that both parties are emotionally affected, and can empathize with one another’s perspectives. When mentalization fails – for example, due to personal vulnerability, stress, or lack of self-insight – imbalance arises quickly. You might become more focused on receiving support than giving, or vice versa: you become the one always taking responsibility. It’s only human to end up here from time to time, but if this tendency becomes permanent, the friendship suffers. ## Egoism and Relational Exhaustion It’s easy to think that some friends are "selfish" and therefore difficult to deal with. And it’s true – those who only care about their own needs without seeing you will become exhausting over time. But it’s important to be nuanced. We all have periods in our lives where we lack energy and become more self-absorbed. Even during such times, it is completely natural – perhaps even necessary – to lean more on others. The challenge arises when this attitude becomes a persistent trait, and the ability to take others’ perspectives is constantly absent. Good friendships can handle ups and downs, but not lasting egoism. ## Impulse Control and Balance in Friendship Even if we understand how we should treat others, we can’t always live up to our own ideals. Impulse control – the ability to manage our own reactions and actions – is an important factor. Without impulse control, we might say things in the heat of the moment that we regret, or dominate conversations because we can’t stop ourselves. This challenges the balance in friendship, especially if such episodes repeat themselves. Self-reflection and openness about our own challenges provide the opportunity to repair trust and clear up misunderstandings that may arise. That we all lose our balance from time to time makes humility and honesty essential building blocks in friendship. ## Being the Giver – or the Receiver Some people choose, consciously, to be there for friends who are struggling. This can be meaningful, but it’s important to check your own motivation. Is it because you truly want to help – or are you secretly hoping to receive something in return that never comes? If you stay in a friendship hoping things will change but are constantly disappointed, it might be time to take an honest look at the relationship. Ask yourself: - How much do I give – and how much do I receive? - Is the relationship characterized by gratitude and respect? - Do I blame circumstances, or am I avoiding confronting my own boundaries? It’s also common to fall into a kind of “martyr role”: you give all the time, but don’t allow yourself to say what you need. Over time, disappointment and frustration can grow, and this may develop into bitterness or hidden resistance within the relationship. ## Why Do We Stay in Exhausting Friendships? Why is it so easy to remain in friendships that drain us of energy? Some of us learned early on that our value is something we must earn, that we need to be useful, kind, or adaptive. Such patterns make it hard to say no or set boundaries. Research on attachment styles and mental health – as discussed in books such as "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller and in John Bowlby’s theories – points to how experiences from childhood shape our boundaries and needs as adults. If you grew up with a lot of unpredictability or responsibility, it can feel almost impossible to let go, even when you know the friendship costs more than it gives. ## How to Create Healthier Relationships? Strengthening your own mentalization ability is a good start. This involves getting to know your own feelings better and daring to be honest about them – both with yourself and others. It’s also crucial to practice setting boundaries, as it’s not selfish to protect yourself from relationships that drain you of energy. - Practice listening to your own needs as much as you listen to others. - Take responsibility for your own vulnerability, and communicate clearly about what you need. - Ask yourself: What role do I have in this friendship? Do I keep falling into old patterns? - Accept that taking care of yourself requires courage, and may involve conflicts or difficult conversations. ## Moving Forward – Allow Yourself to Walk Away It’s not always possible to save every friendship. Some relationships are stuck in patterns that can’t be repaired unless both parties want change. In such cases, creating some distance or reducing contact may be the kindest way to care for yourself. This also allows both of you to recover, and perhaps find your way back to a more balanced relationship later. Choosing to walk away from a friendship is tough, but sometimes necessary – this too is a form of care, both for yourself and for the possibility that both of you continue to grow. ## Final Reflection Friends who give and friends who take – this dynamic is an important but often under-discussed part of adult life. We affect and are affected by each other, and we have a responsibility both for our own and others’ psychological boundaries. By increasing our own mentalization ability, being honest about needs and roles, and daring to set boundaries when necessary, we can develop friendships that truly replenish us, and help both ourselves and those around us to thrive. --- **Want to delve deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in a podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the practice material on [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).