Friendship and Gender Differences

# Friendship and Gender Differences Friendship is one of the most important building blocks in our lives. From an early age, we're driven by a desire to be seen, liked, and chosen by others. This lifelong journey is shaped by close bonds, disappointments, loyalty, and at times, ruptures that necessitate stopping and reflecting. What factors actually shape a good friendship, what happens when our relationships become demanding, and are there systematic differences between how women and men build and maintain friendships? ## The Invisible Forces of Friendship The urge to have close relationships is fundamental in all of us. We stumble our way forward, face setbacks, make mistakes, learn, and adjust throughout life. Many can surely relate to feeling drained of energy when meeting some friends, while other relationships give us strength and joy. Journalist Kjersti Skotheim has delved into this topic, and through her interviews and thorough investigations, she has articulated a phenomenon many recognize: energy thieves. These are friends who gradually drain us—through dominance, manipulation, or a lack of reciprocity. Let’s look at an illustrative example: A friendship develops slowly but surely into something unbalanced. One takes the lead, decides, demands, and steers the relationship. The result is that the other party becomes tired, uncomfortable, and feels both responsible and guilty for staying in a friendship that yields more loss than gain. Sometimes we try to solve this through open, honest dialogue, but not all relationships are repairable. In some cases, a rupture is necessary—a process that can be both heavy and painful. ## What Makes a Friendship Good? To understand the quality in friendship, we can turn to Aristotle’s old reflections on what constitutes true friendship. He divided them into three categories: - **Utility-based friendships**: Relationships where we are together because we get something out of it, such as help or support. - **Pleasure-based friendships**: The main driver here is enjoyment and entertainment in each other’s company. - **Virtue friendship**: The highest form of friendship, where the bond is based on a genuine desire to appreciate the other for who he or she is—not for what they can offer. Aristotle believed that it’s only when friendship is based on virtue—respect, mutual understanding, and acceptance of each other—that we can talk about true friendship. It is when we are there for each other, not because we get something in return, but because we value a person for who they are. ## Uncertainty and Wearing Masks Many of us have experiences from our teenage years where the fear of not fitting in made us more concerned with being liked than being authentic. We build masks, mimic those we think have the "recipe," and forget to listen to both ourselves and others. For my own part, my first encounter with the psychology profession was also marked by this insecurity—a greater focus on appearing competent than on being present and attentive. Over the years, and especially through self-development and personal therapy, most of us become more secure in who we are. The more authentic we become, the better friends—and professionals—we can be. It takes courage to drop the mask, stand in ourselves, and dare to show vulnerability. This is not just about self-development; it is the essence of what it means to be human together with others. ## Circles of Closeness According to a British study, humans typically have three circles of friendship: - **Innermost circle**: Three to five close friends in whom we have the deepest trust. - **Middle circle**: Around 12 to 20 people, typically acquaintances and peripheral friends. - **Outermost circle**: A larger group of acquaintances, people we greet or have looser ties to. Who ends up in our innermost circle is influenced by personal background, interests, and life situation—and naturally, this changes through life. But even in the innermost circle, imbalances and destructive patterns can creep in. ## Mentalizing—The Key to Genuine Friendship What makes some friendships demanding? Here, the concept of "mentalizing" comes in, a central term in modern psychology. Mentalizing is the ability to understand both our own and others' feelings, intentions, and motives. When we are able to see ourselves from the outside, and others from the inside, we can more easily handle conflicts and challenges in close relationships. Unfortunately, mentalizing isn’t inherently easy. We have a tendency to interpret and assign meaning to others' actions—often incorrectly. When we misunderstand another’s needs or feelings, conflict and dissatisfaction can arise, even in the best of bonds. Especially when we feel insecure, we often jump to conclusions about what the other is thinking or feeling and forget to check our own interpretations. ## Energy-Draining Relationships Most have met energy thieves—those who always have problems, who never ask how you're doing, and who give little in return. In the book "Emotional Vampires," psychologist Albert J. Bernstein provides a thorough description of different types of people who suck energy from us, whether it’s the self-centered, the perpetually negative, or the manipulative. These relationships share one thing: a lack of balance. The friendship is more about one person than the collective. Sometimes we are ourselves that friend—in periods when life is tough, or we lose our balance. Friendships then tend to have less reciprocity, but over time, the balance must be restored for the bond to last and strengthen. The key is the ability and willingness to adjust, and to see the other person’s needs. ## Gender Differences in Friendship There is quite a bit of research on how women and men manage friendships, and the differences are interesting, though generalizing. Women often form close, emotionally open bonds characterized by conversation about feelings, life situations, and relationship dynamics. Friendships between women often have a verbal character, with closeness and support at the center. Often, intimacy and trust are built through sharing vulnerability and mutual experiences. Men’s friendships are often more action-oriented. The social bond is usually built around shared interests, activities, and humor. The conversation may be less emotional and more detached from feeling-related topics. The depth in conversations is often shallower, but the sense of loyalty and fellowship through action can be strong. Researcher and author Robin Dunbar writes specifically about these differences, noting that men’s friendships typically require more frequent contact—preferably through physical presence and activities together—to be maintained. Women’s friendships seem more robust to physical distance because they are maintained to a greater extent through conversation and emotional sharing. Of course, these differences are not black and white. Individual variation is considerable, and changes in society and culture blur some traditional roles. Still, many have experienced that both the expression and possible pitfalls of friendship can differ depending on gender. ## Vulnerability and Courage—The Path to Deep Bonds One of the most central themes in modern psychology, especially in the work of Brené Brown, is the significance of vulnerability in relationships. She shows how the courage to show ourselves—honestly and unfiltered—creates trust and closeness. When we dare to share what’s difficult, we open up for deeper bonds. Friendships that can handle openness and disagreement are more likely to endure—precisely because their foundation is solid and genuine. We often hesitate to bring up what’s difficult in a relationship—out of fear of reactions, rejection, or conflict. Ironically, it’s often precisely by daring to have the honest conversation that we lay the groundwork for lasting and deep relationships. ## How to Nurture Your Friendships Good friendships require work, even when everything feels easy. It’s about showing up, displaying interest, and investing time and energy. At the same time, we must dare to be critical of relationships that drain us, and at times adjust our own behavior if we become an energy thief ourselves. By strengthening our mentalizing abilities—through reflection, self-insight, and the willingness to understand friends on their own terms—we are better equipped to build and maintain genuine friendships. And perhaps the most important question we can ask ourselves now and then is: What kind of friend am I? ## Final Reflection Friendship is a living process that moves through various forms and qualities throughout life. Sometimes we must say goodbye, other times build stone by stone through trust, vulnerability, and shared experiences. Understanding our own and others’ needs, the ability and willingness to adjust, and the courage to be honest, constitute the cornerstones of lifelong, genuine friendships. It’s not always easy, but the effort may be one of the most meaningful things we can invest in—both for our own mental health and for the community we create around us. --- **Want to delve deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in the podcast episode of the same name. You’ll find the episode as part of the exercise material on [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).