Important for Relationships

# Important for Relationships Playfulness is often associated with children, the world of childhood, and the vibrant universe of imagination. We learn early on that play is crucial for children’s development, but it’s easy to forget that play—in all its forms—is also important throughout life. Not least, it has a profound significance for the quality of our relationships, our mental health, and our ability to face life’s challenges with an open and flexible mind. Many people think that play belongs to childhood, while adulthood is the arena for responsibility, seriousness, and realism. But this dichotomy can cost us dearly, both as individuals and as partners. In this article, I will explore why playfulness can be seen as a form of psychological “maintenance,” and how—across seriousness and the routines of daily life—it can strengthen both the individual and the relationship. ## The Psychological Importance of Play Within developmental psychology, there is a general consensus that children’s play is the very fuel for development. Through play, they learn to explore, fantasize, try out various roles, and get to know themselves—all within a safe framework. This is evident in the theory of Donald Winnicott, the British psychoanalyst who emphasized play as a central foundation for human psychological health. Winnicott believed that play arises in the “in-between” space—between the inner and the outer, between fantasy and reality, between the child and its surroundings. This space is not reserved for children. Adults also need such an in-between, where fantasy, creative expression, and exploration have room. Here we can try and fail without catastrophic consequences, and we can explore new sides of ourselves and our relationships. In adulthood, play often takes other forms: in music, art, literature, humor, debate, or simply a curious approach to life. ## Playfulness vs Anxiety and Depression I have often said that the opposite of play is not necessarily seriousness, but anxiety and depression. In environments where there is no room for play, you often see children using their energy to satisfy others’ demands and ensure their own safety—not to develop themselves, their curiosity, or their urge to explore. Among adults, the absence of play is noticeable in a rigid, self-important, anxious, and often easily offended demeanor. Playfulness becomes amputated, and it’s as if the psychological muscle to withstand life’s feedback and surprises gets no training. Loss of play often leads to a reduced ability to handle criticism, change, and adversity, because everything becomes serious, everything becomes identity-threatening, and everything must be defended or controlled. Play, on the other hand, represents the opposite. It opens the door to exploration, wonder, and joy. ## Play as Vitality and Relational Glue In our relationship with our partner, playfulness can become an essential source of togetherness and growth. Freelance journalist Johanna Haaland interviewed, in an article, a couple who talked about their playful interaction: from wriggling on the floor together before bedtime, to coming up with little playful acts in everyday life. The point is not that we all should throw ourselves onto the floor, but that playfulness takes many forms—and that nurturing this tendency in the relationship gives it nourishment, energy, and flexibility. Playfulness is about challenging predictability a little, awakening curiosity in the familiar, and sometimes doing something simply because it’s fun—not because it should lead to anything specific. Especially in relationships, we often get caught up in daily routines, and over time a powerful sense of numbness can grow. Here is play’s greatest value: it can preserve the vitality and intimacy of the relationship. ## Play as a Defense Against Life’s Seriousness When life becomes too serious, in ourselves or in our relationship, we become less open to surprises and new experiences. Then we can become trapped in self-importance and a hypersensitivity to mistakes and criticism—and suddenly, the slightest resistance can feel threatening. When playfulness is intact, we can handle a lot: dreams have space, we can stumble and laugh at ourselves, we can improvise when plans fall apart—and we gain access to the harmless wonder that is so essential for mental flexibility. It’s not just about being funny or making up silly things. Play is a seed of renewal, creativity, and resilience. It gives courage to try something new and to face unexpected situations—together with your partner—without it always having to become dramatic or a personal defeat. ### Donald Winnicott and the Role of Playfulness in Adult Life Donald Winnicott pointed out that the person who never gets to play loses something important—perhaps even a piece of themselves. For him, it was clear that the human ability to play has significance far beyond the confines of childhood. In adulthood, this ability can survive and flourish in various forms: in art and culture, in the way we interact, or—perhaps most importantly—in how we meet ourselves and those closest to us. When we listen to music, are gripped by a novel, or engage in an exciting conversation, a “space” arises where reality can be expanded, nuanced, and played with. Winnicott referred to this as the creative in-between—the place where the genuine self can merge with the surroundings and create new experiences. If we forget this, we risk life becoming rigid. ## Find Your Own Way to Play There are countless forms of play. For some, it’s about physical activity and movement, for others it’s wordplay, games, competitions, creative expression, or humorous antics. What form play takes is less important than its presence—as a place where exploration, joy, and curiosity rule. Often couples will have different styles of playfulness, and it’s healthy to explore and talk openly about how each of you likes to play. Maybe your partner has a playful side you haven’t seen before? Maybe it’s just about sitting together in the kitchen, cooking in a fun way, or taking a slightly skewed look at everyday life. Playfulness lets us meet as real humans, with unfinished edges and joyful surprises. ## Psychological Safety—the Prerequisite for Play Play requires safety. It’s hard to play in a climate marked by criticism, tension, and insecurity. That’s why it’s important to recognize that play can only flourish in relationships characterized by mutual respect and secure attachment. Relationships periodically experience phases marked by unrest or conflict, and in such phases it can be challenging to let go of control and seriousness in favor of unpredictable play. Psychological safety means freedom to show vulnerability, to joke, fail, and laugh together, without fear of ridicule or contempt. Couples who manage to cultivate a playful interaction often better withstand the challenges that life and relationships bring with them. ## Play as a Relationship Buffer and Growth Factor Play in a relationship can be regarded as a sort of immune system against destructive stagnation. It gives vitality and revives the curious child within us—the one that dares to try and fail. It gives us flexibility and the ability to communicate better, often because the distance many feel in serious, conflict-filled situations decreases when playfulness is allowed in. It’s tempting to think this means putting all seriousness aside, but the point is not to suppress or belittle life’s realities. On the contrary, play provides an opportunity to face serious events with more resilience and more perspectives. We gain easier access to solutions, can “laugh at ourselves” in pressured situations, and perhaps even turn a bad mood around with small, playful approaches. ## Putting Playfulness on the Agenda—Advice and Reflections Making playfulness a natural part of life together requires active choice and awareness. Here are some tips for cultivating more play in your relationship: - **Be curious about your partner:** Ask questions, explore new activities together, and be willing to try the unknown—without fear of seeming silly. - **Invite humor:** Share small stories, play with words, or find joy in the absurd. Humor builds bridges between people. - **Keep the sense of wonder:** Try to see your partner with fresh eyes, discover new sides, and be open to learning from each other. - **Establish safe boundaries:** Ensure there’s room for missteps and humor without humiliating undertones—this requires respect and safety. Often it is about letting go of control for a little while. To dare to be an “imperfect” person together with someone else. ## Closing Thoughts Play can be the key to vitality in our close relationships, and not least in our own inner lives. It protects us from life’s heaviness, fuels love, and strengthens our resilience. Relationships need, like all living organisms, replenishment, nourishment, and movement. Playful interaction enables growth, revitalization, and deeper contact—both with your partner and with yourself. Let’s not forget the power of play. There is no contradiction between deep emotional intimacy and the ability to laugh on the floor—on the contrary: they feed each other. Without play, we lose not only our zest for life, but also the ability to cope, explore, and love—both as individuals and together in relationships. --- **Do you want to dive deeper into this topic?** This is a topic psychologist Sondre Risholm Liverød discusses further in the podcast episode of the same name. You can find the episode as part of the exercise material at [BeBalanced.ai](https://bebalanced.ai).